Something that came to mind tonight as I was reading a very awesome book called Forces of Our Time. An oldie but goodie, when it comes to quotes...

"Joy gives us wings! In times of joy our strength is more vital, our intellect keener, and our understanding less clouded. We seem better able to cope with the world and to find our sphere of usefulness. But when sadness visits us we become weak, our strength leaves us, our comprehension is dim and our intelligence veiled. The actualities of life seem to elude our grasp, the eyes of our spirits fail to discover the sacred mysteries, and we become even as dead beings.

There is no human being untouched by these two influences; but all the sorrow and the grief that exist come from the world of matter -- the spiritual world bestows only the joy!" - 'Abdu'l-Baha

Snow Day!

Well, today the city and county are shut down for a whole 2-3 inches of snow. Yep, inches ;). Welcome to South Carolina, unprepared for any amount of snow. In a couple hours, it's supposed to turn to freezing rain where we'll get a nice 1/2 inch of ice on top of this pretty snow.

This morning will include a walk (in which my mom wanted my snow boots, but those are in storage in Ithaca), some reading for class tomorrow (though it might not happen), and some reading for fun.

I do love snow, and it's nice to have a bit. However, the threat of losing power is less fun... the buried power lines in Ithaca were very smart.

I've been composing several blog posts in my head recently, but none of them made it to the computer. Here's what I've been thinking about:

-Trying to come up with a bit of a story about what it feels like for me to have fibro - what I experience on the bad days, the good days, and in between. (I plan on more to come on this one.)

- I went to my first class last night, on Investment Planning, and it was exciting and interesting! I've bought textbooks, and need to start playing catch-up as I didn't take one of the pre-reqs, but I think with a little extra time I'll be able to keep up.

-Working on my resume, job shadowing, and more informational interviews.

-Figuring out what role math is going to take in my daily work

-Going to hear Mr. Dunbar talk about his new book, Forces of Our Time, in Pensacola, FL on January 28-30. (Mr. Dunbar led a class for the youth, ages 18-30, serving at the Baha'i World Centre on Thursday nights. It was a significant part of my year of service, and his new book is a collection of some of the topics he often covered in his youth classes, over the 29 years that he gave them.)

-Starting to read Forces of Our Time - awesome

- Spending time with the family while they're off of school and work

- Recovering from this awful cold that I've had for a month, or perhaps since before Thanksgiving (I had about 4 days where I wasn't sick.)

Looking forward

I have discovered the deliciousness that is Mustard Seed in Charleston, SC. Had a lovely dinner with the Kustins and Kustin-Bovenders last night, along with my parents. Unfortunately, this horrible cough I've had now for weeks got in the way, but the shrimp and scallop risotto and southwestern torte were both incredible!

Lovely times with B on the beach - she and I walked, took pictures, chatted, and just enjoyed the moments.

I read the newest letter from the House of Justice - wow. I was humbled and in awe. What I took away from it was - how lucky I am to be a part of a community that is working for the spiritual empowerment of the world, with a diversity of methods that work for all sorts of people the whole world round. I'm excited.

The beach is getting warmer, temperature-wise, and hopefully the wind won't be so intense these next few days. Today, three little boys and their parents join us in as the next in our collection of guests.

I think I'm going to start taking a class on Tuesday - just once a week, for three hours. Taking steps to look into a new career path - I'm mostly excited but a little nervous. Plus, it's the first time I've had to pay for my education. I'm taking baby steps, and fortunately those aren't too expensive.

Beach-ing it

this is a world filled with love & other things that have the sense not to waste time talking about everything under the sun & see how it glows with no help from us whatsoever

So far this has been a wonderful beach trip. It started out a bit rocky, with horrible winds and snow/sleet/rain, but it's been great. We've seen: a sea otter, coral that looks like a brain, many starfish, the wind blowing on the sand, incredible stars, and beautiful sunrises and sunsets.

I'm enjoying reading, and discovered one of the things I love about reading "fluff" books. Occasionally, you stumble on a sentence or two that has some profound truth to it, that resonates with me and makes me go "Huh, that's right." I don't look for them (because I don't find them if I look), but it's nice when I find them. I found 2 last night. Plus my morning and evening reading of the Baha'i Writings has shown me quite a few passages that make me think.

This morning, I woke up to about an inch of snow on the ground in SC! It was pretty exciting :). Although it didn't really put me in the beach sort of mood. Nevertheless, we packed up and drove down to Isle of Palms via lunch at Moe's and a quick tour of Louis' new house (with stuff unpacked). The past few days have included:

- 3 trips to Starbucks, each with a different friend or friends (grad school, high school, high school)

- fire in the fireplace

- toasted marshmallows

- fudge

- reading

- packing a lot

- writing

- watching "Local Color"

- hanging out, just me and my mom

- a brief visit to the oceanfront in the snow

- making dinner for the family

Plus, a whirlpool of thoughts going through my head, threatening to suck me in and not let me out. But, I'm still here. I'm looking forward to a week of recuperation and rest.

This article about an author with chronic fatigue syndrome is both comforting and challenging to me at the same time.

Today, I went back to the number theory conference, despite feeling rather terrible. I'm glad I went back, as the first talk I went to was rather good. In fact, it got me excited about math for the first time in a while. Plus, I talked to the two grad student speakers from yesterday who gave the talks I particularly connected with. I was exhausted after going though.

I was thinking about my post from yesterday. I realized it might have sounded bad to call my life in Ithaca a survival method. But in fact, it was meant in the best possible way. When you're trying to survive, the things you keep are only the things you need and the things that will help. My network of friends helped me through something I wouldn't have been able to do alone. You gave me support, an opportunity to laugh and cry (sometimes at the same time), and companionship even when I didn't feel like doing much. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I finally got my desk set up. I was too exhausted and in too much pain either Friday or Saturday, but Dad helped me today. I'm glad to have it, it's a great workspace.

Oh what a day

Thoughts on my mind today:

-When merely sitting in a room makes you nauseous and the chair you're sitting in makes you hurt, you know things aren't going to be easy...

-I feel like an outsider at the number theory conference. I feel like I have a big sign on my head that says, "I don't belong here!" And then, I also am amazed that I can understand as much as I can. I don't feel like a mathematician, and yet I can be there and understand stuff. And I can think about my own stuff and talk about my own work. I feel like I've just been faking it and some day someone's going to come along and say, "Ha I caught you! You don't really know any math!"

-I miss my grad student community at Cornell. I miss my friends, the network I created. Sure, towards the end, it had just become a survival technique, but it was my survival technique - we were all trying to help each other get through the hard times.

-I'm scared of the career decision. Math is what's comfortable. It's what I have poured so much energy and time into. But I have to force myself to start working on it. And just thinking that hard makes me ill, literally! That's not sustainable long term. And that doesn't seem to be going away. But the finance world is scary. It seems I either have to sell stuff - insurance, etc. or create my own business and sell myself. What if I just want to help people???

Advice to self: Any job seems un-do-able when just remaining awake and vertical makes you hurt. Wait until your body is not in physical pain.

-This issue I have with fluorescent lights is a BIG inconvenience. Can I really work in a corporate or academic building? Is there a way to make this better? Is it just too early to know? It's been a year.

-My parents are awesome. They're feeding me, doing laundry for me, running errands for me, so I can spend the energy I have on doing work and emotionally recharging. That's important right now.

-I'm still struggling with the balance of giving in to the pain and resting, and pushing myself a little farther. There can still be so much guilt when I rest. I guess because I feel like I use it as an excuse to avoid things that are hard or that I don't want to do.

Ok, sitting in this chair just hurts. I'm going to try to do something about that.