Looking forward

I have discovered the deliciousness that is Mustard Seed in Charleston, SC. Had a lovely dinner with the Kustins and Kustin-Bovenders last night, along with my parents. Unfortunately, this horrible cough I've had now for weeks got in the way, but the shrimp and scallop risotto and southwestern torte were both incredible!

Lovely times with B on the beach - she and I walked, took pictures, chatted, and just enjoyed the moments.

I read the newest letter from the House of Justice - wow. I was humbled and in awe. What I took away from it was - how lucky I am to be a part of a community that is working for the spiritual empowerment of the world, with a diversity of methods that work for all sorts of people the whole world round. I'm excited.

The beach is getting warmer, temperature-wise, and hopefully the wind won't be so intense these next few days. Today, three little boys and their parents join us in as the next in our collection of guests.

I think I'm going to start taking a class on Tuesday - just once a week, for three hours. Taking steps to look into a new career path - I'm mostly excited but a little nervous. Plus, it's the first time I've had to pay for my education. I'm taking baby steps, and fortunately those aren't too expensive.

Beach-ing it

this is a world filled with love & other things that have the sense not to waste time talking about everything under the sun & see how it glows with no help from us whatsoever

So far this has been a wonderful beach trip. It started out a bit rocky, with horrible winds and snow/sleet/rain, but it's been great. We've seen: a sea otter, coral that looks like a brain, many starfish, the wind blowing on the sand, incredible stars, and beautiful sunrises and sunsets.

I'm enjoying reading, and discovered one of the things I love about reading "fluff" books. Occasionally, you stumble on a sentence or two that has some profound truth to it, that resonates with me and makes me go "Huh, that's right." I don't look for them (because I don't find them if I look), but it's nice when I find them. I found 2 last night. Plus my morning and evening reading of the Baha'i Writings has shown me quite a few passages that make me think.

This morning, I woke up to about an inch of snow on the ground in SC! It was pretty exciting :). Although it didn't really put me in the beach sort of mood. Nevertheless, we packed up and drove down to Isle of Palms via lunch at Moe's and a quick tour of Louis' new house (with stuff unpacked). The past few days have included:

- 3 trips to Starbucks, each with a different friend or friends (grad school, high school, high school)

- fire in the fireplace

- toasted marshmallows

- fudge

- reading

- packing a lot

- writing

- watching "Local Color"

- hanging out, just me and my mom

- a brief visit to the oceanfront in the snow

- making dinner for the family

Plus, a whirlpool of thoughts going through my head, threatening to suck me in and not let me out. But, I'm still here. I'm looking forward to a week of recuperation and rest.

This article about an author with chronic fatigue syndrome is both comforting and challenging to me at the same time.

Today, I went back to the number theory conference, despite feeling rather terrible. I'm glad I went back, as the first talk I went to was rather good. In fact, it got me excited about math for the first time in a while. Plus, I talked to the two grad student speakers from yesterday who gave the talks I particularly connected with. I was exhausted after going though.

I was thinking about my post from yesterday. I realized it might have sounded bad to call my life in Ithaca a survival method. But in fact, it was meant in the best possible way. When you're trying to survive, the things you keep are only the things you need and the things that will help. My network of friends helped me through something I wouldn't have been able to do alone. You gave me support, an opportunity to laugh and cry (sometimes at the same time), and companionship even when I didn't feel like doing much. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I finally got my desk set up. I was too exhausted and in too much pain either Friday or Saturday, but Dad helped me today. I'm glad to have it, it's a great workspace.

Oh what a day

Thoughts on my mind today:

-When merely sitting in a room makes you nauseous and the chair you're sitting in makes you hurt, you know things aren't going to be easy...

-I feel like an outsider at the number theory conference. I feel like I have a big sign on my head that says, "I don't belong here!" And then, I also am amazed that I can understand as much as I can. I don't feel like a mathematician, and yet I can be there and understand stuff. And I can think about my own stuff and talk about my own work. I feel like I've just been faking it and some day someone's going to come along and say, "Ha I caught you! You don't really know any math!"

-I miss my grad student community at Cornell. I miss my friends, the network I created. Sure, towards the end, it had just become a survival technique, but it was my survival technique - we were all trying to help each other get through the hard times.

-I'm scared of the career decision. Math is what's comfortable. It's what I have poured so much energy and time into. But I have to force myself to start working on it. And just thinking that hard makes me ill, literally! That's not sustainable long term. And that doesn't seem to be going away. But the finance world is scary. It seems I either have to sell stuff - insurance, etc. or create my own business and sell myself. What if I just want to help people???

Advice to self: Any job seems un-do-able when just remaining awake and vertical makes you hurt. Wait until your body is not in physical pain.

-This issue I have with fluorescent lights is a BIG inconvenience. Can I really work in a corporate or academic building? Is there a way to make this better? Is it just too early to know? It's been a year.

-My parents are awesome. They're feeding me, doing laundry for me, running errands for me, so I can spend the energy I have on doing work and emotionally recharging. That's important right now.

-I'm still struggling with the balance of giving in to the pain and resting, and pushing myself a little farther. There can still be so much guilt when I rest. I guess because I feel like I use it as an excuse to avoid things that are hard or that I don't want to do.

Ok, sitting in this chair just hurts. I'm going to try to do something about that.

Colors!

I got colors for my room today at Ikea! Yay! B and I had a very fun road trip up to Charlotte, to the new IKEA there. She and I spent 3 hours there :), admiring all the show rooms, talking about how we would change things or what pieces/colors/designs we liked. I got to pick out my table desk (white table top, red legs), got some fun flowered placements to give some color to the white, got a down comforter and a non-down comforter, along with a new duvet cover. I've been wanting a new duvet cover for a few years, so it was nice to finally pick one out. Plus it'll give a little more personality to my bedroom. Then we had some delicious gluten-free pizza at Fuel, a pizza place local to Charlotte. The one we ate at was in an old gas station/auto shop place (hence the name), but I don't know if all of them are like that. We wandered around some antique/consignment shops, which was interesting... it reminded me of my grandparents' house a lot, and definitely had the smell of a basement. But it was amusing.

Tomorrow, the number theory conference begins. That should be remarkable.

Feeling victorious

This week I:

-lasted through an entire ballet class and wasn't in major pain the next day!

-finished writing my talk and printing graphs from Matlab, even though it was uncooperative!

-talked at the USC number theory seminar about my research!

-talked to the Career Center again about possibly job shadowing a financial planner to see if I'd be interested in that area.

-got hired by another family friend for an odd job. yay for earning money!

Tomorrow off to Ikea with B for a fluffy comforter, duvet cover, and a table for a desk :). This weekend, I head down to campus again for the number theory conference.