"how dark is it?"

"How dark is what?"
"The cumulus nimbus hovering over my head."

this week: lots of teaching stuff, research stuff, and life-staying-going stuff. not much of sleep or food.

"That's on par with car, test, crash test dummy."
(yay for Gilmore girls during laundry and dish washing)
I kind of feel like a crash test dummy right now actually. Don't get me wrong, the month of June was packed with amazing, wonderful things, beautiful places, and lots of fun. However, I'm now feeling the effects of changing time zones too frequently, not sleeping enough, and being out of town more than I was in town.

Today, I learned all about unramified, totally ramified, and tamely ramified extensions of local fields. I also got a sliver of hope that my A exam could happen July 24th and I'm running with it. I sooooo want this thing to be over with before Sept. 1. However, my advisor is leaning towards waiting, and since he's the one who decides if I pass, I either need to convince him I'm ready or let go of the dream. We'll see what happens this week. Tomorrow, I need to learn about power series over finite fields, which I can't find in any of my resources on local fields... I also have to deal with the word "separability" which always scares me. I know what it means, but I still don't get why it's so cool. You'd think life would be nice when you have finite ordered stuff, but it seems like life gets more complicated. More on that tomorrow.

Tomorrow I also get to give my students a really hard quiz. I'm kind of looking forward to it because I'm hoping they'll realize how much they don't know and how much they need to pay attention to me. I'm also kind of sad about it, because I'm punishing everyone for the crime of most. Oh well, all they have to do is pass the course and they get 1/10 for just putting their name on the paper.

Time for more dishwashing, unpacking, and cleaning, before a very early bed time. See my pretty picture from the wedding this past weekend in California!

Today I learned...

I've decided to start a new series of writing down what I learn each day. Math has been a bit frustrating recently, with me feeling like I'm treading water but losing my energy. I don't want to feel helpless, so instead I'm going to write down every day what I learned. Most of you probably won't understand it, but you can make up your own fun definitions of what the words mean. It's probably more interesting that way ;).

Today, I learned that I can look at curves questions like number fields. I also learned my advisor doesn't know everything the moment I ask a question!
I learned where the roots of unity part of unit group comes from in the unit theorem.
I learned a few different proofs of the efg-theorem, and actually understand some of them.

"What are men compared to rocks and mountains?"

Scotland, Northern Ireland, and England were amazing, in that order of amazingness. Juliet and I had the most fun out of anyone we met last week, and it was incredibly beautiful. I'll write more later when I don't need to worry about putting coherent math thoughts in my head for my advisor meeting in 4 hours, but I'm home and it was a wonderful trip. There's no place like home!

"to live spherically, in all directions"

Thursday evening, I watched the Ithaca Festival opening mile race and parade with a group of classmates and assorted friends. I felt so delighted sitting there with the people that I share this life with, watching the oddities of Ithaca pass us by. We all agreed that it was the most eclectic, informal parade ever. If you can think of it, it was probably in the parade (except a Republican party float, that was not). We had dancing Volvos and chainsaw dancers, Colombian dancers, people of all ages and costumes, people supporting all causes, and even the two main grocery stores in town! Afterward, we of course ate Thai food, and my having the restaurant on speed dial meant it was much faster than it could've been.
Over the weekend, I mostly worked - cleaned my apartment and did lots of math. I took a break to have friends over for dinner (mango wraps, first shared with me by Cheryl and Gabe, and since altered a bit) and games, and it was such a fun evening. There were times when I and the other ladies felt like 50s housewives, but it was fun. Sunday, I took a brief break in working to head down to the Ithaca Festival, where I felt the most out of place I have ever felt within the United States. It was amazing how much I felt like I should belong there, but didn't. There wer e pieces of Ithaca I recognized (booth names, restaurant names, some of the people), but so much I didn't. I think it was the first time I really was surrounded by the people and culture of the area, not just the school community or the Baha'i community. I definitely felt like I didn't belong there. On the bus ride home though it was a different story. I felt like I knew the most of what was going on (opened the back door for people who didn't know how, etc.).
Today has been a difficult day. I went to campus feeling excited and ready to learn, and discovered and put things together before my advisor meeting that I'd been thinking about all weekend. Then, I went into the meeting and suddenly felt like I knew nothing and understood nothing. We talked a bit about math, I was totally overwhelmed with my all questions, but he was able to help me understand some things. He didn't quite seem to get that I didn't know a certain set of topics that he specifically told me I didn't need to know. (Kind of like going into Algebra I in high school, having the teacher know on some level that you don't know calculus, but using calculus to explain all the answers. Bottom line - not helpful!) And then he made a comment that he didn't think I'd be ready for my major oral exam by mid-August! It's 10 weeks away! I already have read all the material I need to know for it, I just need to review it! It was one of the most disheartening and frustrating meetings ever, which was unfortunate since our last two meetings have been some of the best ever.
I have realized over the past few times that I go through the same process when he asks me in question. In my head goes something like this:
"Oh no, he asked me a question! He asked me a question! Wait, what was the question? Oh no, he thinks I can answer a question! I don't know anything, how can I answer that. I can't make sense of those words and letters, this is such a foreign thing! Wait, I do actually know things. Ok, I think I might know this. My goodness I'm taking too long to answer this questions. Ok, Corinne, think. You can do this. You better start talking so he doesn't think you're an idiot."
And then I say something as I slowly work my way through the problem. Now I think I have an inkling of what's going through my students' heads when I ask them a question in class and all I get are stunned looks!
Today, I left the meeting wanting to hit something repeatedly and wanting a hug all at the same time. Instead I went swimming at the gym with one of girls in my year (who's also preparing for her exam), and it was great. It felt good to get energy out, though swimming is much more exhausting than I remember it being. Time passed much faster with her there for us to touch base and encourage each other to keep going. After that and lunch though, my anger at math continued so I went home. I ran errands this afternoon and then came home to make myself work for a little while. I did manage a small victory as I was reading this afternoon, following and understanding a proof of a theorem I needed to know how to prove. Plus getting ready to leave for my trip on Friday! It's come so quickly and slowly at the same time :). I can't believe I'll be in Scotland in 5 days (Saturday)!
The other adventure of last week was that my vet told me that my cat Malcolm is obsessive compulsive... his two obsessions? Grooming and ME! Apparently one can be too good of a cat mother... hence the reason he's been attacking me whenever I'm leaving or ignoring him. He can't handle not having my attention. So he's now on kitty Prozac. Well actually it's just Prozac in kitty dose. And we're trying new ways for me to assert my authority and dominance, which have been going well. He's been better behaved in the last 5 days than since my first days with him back in August! I don't live in fear of my cat attacking me at the most random times! It's excellent! I feel bad drugging him, but we're hoping to take him off the meds once we get things turned around and he gets used to it.
This evening I have fallen into the stereotypical girl's reaction to rejection by a male (no, I'm aware this is not a romantic relationship issue I'm having, but I think the caveman part of my brain doesn't care... it's a male that has a significant role in my life and significant influence over my "survival", at least in my career) - I want to eat everything and anything that I can get my hands on. It makes no sense and I haven't obeyed the urge, but it's still there. I haven't had this happened to me in a very long time. So, instead I curl up on the couch and read a good book. My intellect will triumph!