This morning, I woke up to about an inch of snow on the ground in SC! It was pretty exciting :). Although it didn't really put me in the beach sort of mood. Nevertheless, we packed up and drove down to Isle of Palms via lunch at Moe's and a quick tour of Louis' new house (with stuff unpacked). The past few days have included:

- 3 trips to Starbucks, each with a different friend or friends (grad school, high school, high school)

- fire in the fireplace

- toasted marshmallows

- fudge

- reading

- packing a lot

- writing

- watching "Local Color"

- hanging out, just me and my mom

- a brief visit to the oceanfront in the snow

- making dinner for the family

Plus, a whirlpool of thoughts going through my head, threatening to suck me in and not let me out. But, I'm still here. I'm looking forward to a week of recuperation and rest.

This article about an author with chronic fatigue syndrome is both comforting and challenging to me at the same time.

Today, I went back to the number theory conference, despite feeling rather terrible. I'm glad I went back, as the first talk I went to was rather good. In fact, it got me excited about math for the first time in a while. Plus, I talked to the two grad student speakers from yesterday who gave the talks I particularly connected with. I was exhausted after going though.

I was thinking about my post from yesterday. I realized it might have sounded bad to call my life in Ithaca a survival method. But in fact, it was meant in the best possible way. When you're trying to survive, the things you keep are only the things you need and the things that will help. My network of friends helped me through something I wouldn't have been able to do alone. You gave me support, an opportunity to laugh and cry (sometimes at the same time), and companionship even when I didn't feel like doing much. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I finally got my desk set up. I was too exhausted and in too much pain either Friday or Saturday, but Dad helped me today. I'm glad to have it, it's a great workspace.

Oh what a day

Thoughts on my mind today:

-When merely sitting in a room makes you nauseous and the chair you're sitting in makes you hurt, you know things aren't going to be easy...

-I feel like an outsider at the number theory conference. I feel like I have a big sign on my head that says, "I don't belong here!" And then, I also am amazed that I can understand as much as I can. I don't feel like a mathematician, and yet I can be there and understand stuff. And I can think about my own stuff and talk about my own work. I feel like I've just been faking it and some day someone's going to come along and say, "Ha I caught you! You don't really know any math!"

-I miss my grad student community at Cornell. I miss my friends, the network I created. Sure, towards the end, it had just become a survival technique, but it was my survival technique - we were all trying to help each other get through the hard times.

-I'm scared of the career decision. Math is what's comfortable. It's what I have poured so much energy and time into. But I have to force myself to start working on it. And just thinking that hard makes me ill, literally! That's not sustainable long term. And that doesn't seem to be going away. But the finance world is scary. It seems I either have to sell stuff - insurance, etc. or create my own business and sell myself. What if I just want to help people???

Advice to self: Any job seems un-do-able when just remaining awake and vertical makes you hurt. Wait until your body is not in physical pain.

-This issue I have with fluorescent lights is a BIG inconvenience. Can I really work in a corporate or academic building? Is there a way to make this better? Is it just too early to know? It's been a year.

-My parents are awesome. They're feeding me, doing laundry for me, running errands for me, so I can spend the energy I have on doing work and emotionally recharging. That's important right now.

-I'm still struggling with the balance of giving in to the pain and resting, and pushing myself a little farther. There can still be so much guilt when I rest. I guess because I feel like I use it as an excuse to avoid things that are hard or that I don't want to do.

Ok, sitting in this chair just hurts. I'm going to try to do something about that.

Colors!

I got colors for my room today at Ikea! Yay! B and I had a very fun road trip up to Charlotte, to the new IKEA there. She and I spent 3 hours there :), admiring all the show rooms, talking about how we would change things or what pieces/colors/designs we liked. I got to pick out my table desk (white table top, red legs), got some fun flowered placements to give some color to the white, got a down comforter and a non-down comforter, along with a new duvet cover. I've been wanting a new duvet cover for a few years, so it was nice to finally pick one out. Plus it'll give a little more personality to my bedroom. Then we had some delicious gluten-free pizza at Fuel, a pizza place local to Charlotte. The one we ate at was in an old gas station/auto shop place (hence the name), but I don't know if all of them are like that. We wandered around some antique/consignment shops, which was interesting... it reminded me of my grandparents' house a lot, and definitely had the smell of a basement. But it was amusing.

Tomorrow, the number theory conference begins. That should be remarkable.

Feeling victorious

This week I:

-lasted through an entire ballet class and wasn't in major pain the next day!

-finished writing my talk and printing graphs from Matlab, even though it was uncooperative!

-talked at the USC number theory seminar about my research!

-talked to the Career Center again about possibly job shadowing a financial planner to see if I'd be interested in that area.

-got hired by another family friend for an odd job. yay for earning money!

Tomorrow off to Ikea with B for a fluffy comforter, duvet cover, and a table for a desk :). This weekend, I head down to campus again for the number theory conference.

Last night, I opened up a lot of Haifa memories, thinking about the anniversary of the passing of Abdu'l-Baha. Now, almost everything makes me think of something from Haifa. I got out my journal to try and remember what things were happening then. Mr. Furutan passed away, the visit to the House of Abdu'l-Baha for the Holy Day, and Thanksgiving in Haifa, where some of the American youth and our flatmates and friends shared turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, etc. together. And that's opened up the heartache of missing people who are no longer a daily part of my life.

That year in Haifa was such a challenging year, a formative year, and a humbling year. So much of my journal talks about the love and admiration I had for my fellow youth, the tiredness that came from working so hard and being so sick (but not knowing it), the uncertainty of trying to figure out who I was and how to show that person to the rest of the world, and trying to get all the thoughts out of my head and onto paper or out of my mouth, so I didn't feel so trapped within myself. Just reading a few days of my journals bring all that back so quickly and so fresh, no wonder I felt the urgent need to go back to that incredible place after writing my thesis using those journals. I'm starting to think about the reality of pilgrimage in just 6 months, and how 8 years ago it was exactly this time period that I was getting ready for going on my year of service in 6 months. Today it doesn't feel like a dream or a different world, the person I was and the things I did. So often it feels so intangible or imaginary that I wonder if it really did happen, but today I can actually put myself there and make it seem real. The people are real, the places are real. I remember the sincerity that I tried to put into everything I did and trying to take every opportunity I was given to learn, meet people, and experience new things.

not-fall

What season is it? Yesterday at the gym I caught myself thinking it was spring or perhaps the beginning of summer. This is the challenge of living in SC... the weather doesn't always tell you! For example, yesterday it was in the 70s. Today it's supposed to be 80. And yes, Thanksgiving is Thursday and we live in the northern hemisphere.

I want to ballet yesterday :). I am in pain today but not too bad. I went to my old ballet school, although it's in a different building now (that's also a whole lot closer to my house). One of my old teachers taught the adult class, and my other teacher was teaching the "pre-professional" company class in the other studio. Good times :).

And October flew by...

I can't believe it's already past mid-November. October flew by, as did the beginning of November. No blogging recently, as I've preferred seeing friends in person, sending emails, or talking on the phone. Way more personal.

These days I'm trying out new roles.

Mature decision-maker = no fun in the short term but probably best in the long term.

Financial planner = interesting career path... maybe I could use almost all of my skills, instead of just a couple. Who'd a thunk it.

Personal organizer = I lose track of time because I'm having so much fun creating a system and putting things in folders.

Cat policewoman and caretaker = The family cat and my cat don't get along, in that my cat wants to play and the family cat is a cranky, 16 year old cat that just wants to nap in peace. I often spend 20 minutes on the floor trying to coax one or the other into doing what I want. Yeah, there's a reason that "herding cats" is such a hilarious idea. It doesn't work....

Gym buff= spending over an hour at the gym every day. Well, except this week, due to more physical pain (traveling, moving, etc.) and fatigue and possibly dealing with cold #2 or 3. I'm a firm believer in Airborne now. Despite being exposed to at least 3 different colds, I have never been flat on my back sick!!!! A random cough here, an occasional sore throat or headache there, but nothing that stops me living life. I only cut my gym workouts short since I start feeling dizzy or nauseous or the room starts moving around - classic sign that it's time to stop. Airborne + gym = (mostly) healthy Corinne!

Beyond all that, I'm still learning what this fibro does to me... I went to see Harry Potter yesterday afternoon with the fairy godmother/queen and her princess B :), and it was great. I was pleasantly surprised by how good it was. But, the theater was quite loud, and the movie was intense the whole time. I have now learned that sitting in one chair, with loud music and tensed muscles due to an exciting movie = extreme pain all over for the rest of the day. No fun. I haven't had the random stinging/burning sensation and a jaw so sore I can't even imagine eating dinner in a long time. I had to spend several hours curled up in a ball with heat on various parts of me and an extra medicine to make it to bedtime (9 pm). Fortunately today I just have my usual soreness.

Last night I dreamt that I went to Disney World (and the main attraction to me was getting candy) and I was planning on adopting a child. I had to decide which one I wanted, and apparently which child I picked also determined where in the country I would live. Odd, though I think I see what it's getting at.