What a difference sleep makes!

I feel like I'm slowly waking up to life again. Over the past 4 nights, I've actually slept for the first time in months probably. I didn't really how terrible my sleep was, and how much that was affecting me, for the past few months. Only now, with a good mattress and a good sleeping pill, am I actually resting at night. I feel like a veil is starting to be lifted from my view, and I can actually exist again!

I've exercised every day since Saturday, I went to yoga today, I'm doing my stretches and exercises, and I'm starting to have energy again.
I'm dealing with the anxiety that if I get up out of bed, I won't necessarily get worse or sick again. I've been living under this constant fear for the past few months that if I get up, I'll only feel worse. It's been coming true until the past few days. I used to be scared that anything I did would only make me feel worse and hurt more.

The funny thing is that I didn't realize how much pain I was in until we gave it that name. I used to just feel miserable all the time, not really knowing why or what I could do about it. Now I can say, "Ok, right now my stomach hurts, my knee hurts, and my shoulders hurt, but it'll pass, especially if I put heat on it." Maybe my hands hurt, because they're not used to being used, but once I develop my muscles again, I might be able to write notes during an hour class and not be in utter pain and misery afterward. I won't have to give myself pep talks to walk across the house!!

I'm starting to have to purposely slow myself down, so I don't over do it, instead of forcing myself to get going.
Keep the healing prayers coming, I still need them, but there is light at the end of the tunnel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spiritual development

Quote of the day:
"... Therefore, the more sorrows one sees the more perfect one becomes. That is why, in all times, the Prophets of God have had tribulations and difficulties to withstand. The more often the captain of a ship is in the tempest and difficult sailing the greater his knowledge becomes. Therefore I am happy that you have had great tribulations and difficulties. For this I am very happy - that you have had many sorrows. Strange it is that I love you and still I am happy that you have sorrows." - Abdu'l-Baha

It helps me to remember that the Manifestations of God dealt with health challenges, as well as many many many other difficulties during their lives. It also makes me feel a little better remembering that Abdu'l-Baha does love me. It's amazing how much that one little thought warms my heart. He was such an incredible person - perfectly exemplifying the qualities of justice, patience, kindness, love, wisdom, and equality, among many others.

Today has been harder health-wise, with my throat swollen all day no matter how much I rest. The musical last night was fun, but today hasn't been because of it. Just two weeks and I go home!

Fire and Gold

This morning I was pondering how I could get something out of all this time in bed, and about the fact that I've found it hard to pray and read the Baha'i writings while sick - I just don't have the concentration it seems. I came up with a plan - a systematization if you will ;). I'm going to read through the whole of Fire and Gold: Benefitting from Life's Tests.
Today, I read the very first section. A couple of quotes really struck me:
1. "For the people of faith, trials and disasters and tribulations lead to spiritual progress, that is, if one bears them with patience and detachment from all save God.... The longer you leave gold in red-hot fire, the purer it will be." - Attributed to Abdu'l-Baha

The importance of going through your tests with patience and detachment is certainly something I need to work on. I'm still grappling (and maybe focusing too much) on how unfair it feels that I have to deal with this. And I think I am slowly getting better at enduring with patience and reliance on God.

2. The troubles of this world pass, and what we have left is what we have made of our souls, so it is to this we must look - to becoming more spiritual, drawing nearer to God, no matter what our human minds and bodies go through. " - Attributed to Shoghi Effendi

It's interesting for me to separate my mind from my soul. I knew that it was in the Writings of the Baha'i Faith that even if you are physically sick, your soul is still healthy, but it was interesting for me to be reminded that even my mind is separate from my soul, from the part of me that will carry on after my physical death. I think it's very common for us to connect our minds with who we are (e.g., I think, therefore I am), but really it's our soul is our real identity. Even though my mind is struggling with being sick and the limitations it's put on me, if I can keep my soul healthy and strong, and develop it even more, that's what matters. That's really how I think of "Armed with the power of Thy name, nothing can ever hurt me, and with Thy love in my heart, all the world's afflictions can in no wise alarm me. (For an amazing, yet tear-jerking video, see here.)

I keep having the song "Prayer-hearing, prayer-answering God, let Your mercy rain down upon me. I know that You have risen up with healing in Your wings, I open my heart to receive.... I want You to hold me, mold me, make me, shape me into what you want me to be. I open my heart to receive." This song, performed by the One Human Family Choir, led by Eric Dozier, was performed at the national Baha'i conference in Milwaukee in 2001. I can't find a recording of it anywhere, but it's still one of my favorites.

bella

Opening line seemed fitting:
"My grandmother used to say: If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans."

Today was hard, or more specifically tonight was hard. I really was tired of being stuck at the house when I knew a bunch of my friends were getting together to celebrate a friend's A exam completion. I had used up most of my energy today doing work, and had very little left and I have to teach tomorrow, so I wasn't going to go. But that just reminded me of the fact that:
1. I already missed the A-exam celebration (and birthday celebration) of a good friend here because I'm sick.

2. I'm tired of being home alone when my friends are together having a good time.

3. I'm tired of eating the food that I have, and I wanted Thai so bad.

So, I drove to the restaurant, picked up a carry-out order I had called in, then sat at the table with people for about 15 minutes and left. Once I got home, I was eating (exhausted), and what happened? Malcolm tried to eat my food, so I shooed him away. In the process, I flipped over the entire container of pad thai onto the carpet! So, I lost my delicious food and had to clean up a stained carpet, and now the room smells like carpet cleaner. Why???????????
It's one of those evenings where it's really hard for me how much I've missed because I've been so sick, and how much I've had to give up, and how much hasn't gone the way I wanted it to.
I'm frustrated, and tired, and please keep me in your prayers/thoughts. I need all the love and support I can get right now. 22 days until Mayo.

A Rhythm

My days have developed a rhythm to them. Most days, I wake up (no alarm), lie in bed a little bit until I get my bearings, then get up. I get everything done I need to, then rest for a while. Yes, I have to rest after getting breakfast done, it's pretty sad.
I always try to figure out something different to do in a day to make it special or different - to pass the time in different ways.
Today, I plan on sitting/lying in a patch of sunshine in my bedroom to write thank you notes.
I start my day with a to-do list, so I can not stress about it and so that I can plan my productive spurts. Some days, when I'm feeling really low on energy, I put "eat lunch" and/or "eat dinner" on the list, just so I feel like I've done something.
For the past couple weeks, I make at least one phone call to a doctor's office or insurance company, trying to get all the logistics for my Mayo Clinic visit in place. I think I'm almost there.
I'm reading more these days, when my head isn't pounding too much, plus watching lots of things on Netflix Instant Watching. If you have a suggestion of a book/tv show/movie that takes practically no mental energy and is happy/uplifting/funny (not in a crude way), please suggest it! I need things to pass the time.
Malcolm keeps me surprisingly entertained and comforted. He's developed a few new tricks to amuse me, and being able to care for something else, even in such a small way, is comforting. I'm not used to having to ask so much of other people and not be able to give back.

french fries and dark chocolate ice, eaten simultaneously not mixed together, make me ridiculously happy.

downloadable audiobooks are amazing - new entertainment without straining my eyes.

I'm going to class today for the second time this week! we'll see what the weekend's like because of it...

I'm tired of requesting my medical records from 4 different places for Mayo. It's a lot of work...

I can't wait to be in SC again, and to go to the beach!

update

This week has consisted of:
watching more silly movies
attempting to go to class, and failing
preparing a lecture, teaching recitation, and coming home in tears because I was so tired and felt so terrible
watching more ridiculous movies
finally getting an appointment at Mayo Clinic in Florida (Dec 9th - say prayers people that we get some answers)
making chocolate pudding - yum
actually washing dishes and vacuuming (over the course of the morning and afternoon in small intervals), only to discover that it was too much effort and being wiped out and irritable the rest of the day
daydreaming about staying in a fancy hotel for free (and it is actually possible, I just have to do it before Dec. 26)
and having interesting adventures with Malcolm the cat.

A sick day

Today I feel lousy. So I stayed home, read a book in bed (totally unsatisfactory ending I must say), ate food that the wonderful Baha'i community has supplied me with, and just finished You've Got Mail. Something I never noticed until this time - at one point in the movie, when Meg Ryan's character is comforting herself, she sits down in the corner of her apartment with sunshine, on the floor, and eats a bowl of soup/cereal/something. I do the same thing! In fact, I did it this morning. I curled up on my office floor with a pillow, since I wanted to be in the sun.
Later today I will finish off my grading and potentially read some algebraic geometry if I can. Right now, it's back to the couch I go. I think I'll continue the New York City theme - One Fine Day, Hitch, Kate and Leopold... any suggestions? What's your favorite New York City movie?