The weekend was a good one. I got to have good conversations with most of my math girls, got to eat yummy Thai food, saw a waterfall, took a walk, relaxed on couches, played with a puppy, ate a delicious (and unexpected) Sunday dinner with K, talked to the advisor, and started to say goodbye to the me that was a grad student. It was hard to let go, but at the same time I know I don't belong there any more, nor do I want to be there. I was anxious during much of the day that I was at the math building, having to calm myself down several times because my throat was swelling due to anxiety. Probably not a good thing to happen in your workplace.
Tonight, arriving home, I experienced a slightly out of place alone-ness. I had delved completely into my novel on the plane, so when I was walking to my car at night I missed my book characters. At the same time, I walked to my car knowing that no one was waiting up to hear that I made it into my house safe (I did), walking places I'd walked before WITH people or TOWARDS people and having those memories rush around me unasked, having left behind a place I once called home, going to a place that at one point was a place I fled to in order to recover... I was struck by that feeling. But this weekend I was seen, I was heard, I was appreciated, and I got to hear and see and appreciate right back. And I feel good. And though there are things I'd like to be different and while I still have struggles ahead of me, I feel like I'm walking in the right direction.
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