Today marks a week since I've returned to Ithaca, with renewed energy and determination.
Continuous yays go to Mayo Clinic for being uber-helpful and efficient.
I've bought a new mattress, and now a new mattress topper for it, since the mattress is way firmer than it was in the store. I will proudly own my $870 version of the $1700 bed that I liked way more. Plus, when it comes time to move, I won't have a 100lb + bed to move. Go me.
I've done a whole lot of running around town, sending emails, and meeting with people to make this the most effective and healthy transition semester I could manage. I feel awesomely productive.
It's going to be a challenge, fitting exercise in at least 5 days a week, with no more than 1 day off at a time, but I'm armed with a plan.
The sun was out today, and even though it was in the 20s, I took a walk in the sunshine.
Sadly, DDR is too painful for me to use as exercise. Silly knees and feet. But I don't want them to become like some people's battles with them.
I'm finding new books to read, which are a lot of fun and completely silly.
I have delved into the world of music for 15 year olds and I'm ok with it. In fact, it's very happy and upbeat, and at times sufficiently cheesy and sappy for my life right now.
I'm addicted to chocolate chex, as in I have to keep myself to less than 3 bowls a day. It's ridiculous how much I love this cereal.
Fame was a good movie for the artistic aspect, but I wasn't thrilled with the plot line or dialogue. Post Grad was not very great, though had its moments.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
before i forget
Things from the past few days:
- awesome breakfast at cafe streudal in columbia with my Baha'i family - including several small ones (3 year old, 1 year old, 4 month old, 1 month old) - cuteness and love overflowed.
- wonderful times at home with the family, too many to name or count
- a fun road trip Tuesday, via Durham, to the DC area
- great times with a 4 year old and a 21 month old, and my Baha'i big sis and bro
- one of the best games of Taboo ever played ("scampering animal problem" = mousetrap)
- one of the sweetest breakfast table moments with a child copying me
- an easy drive back home in the sunshine
- a beautiful, soul stirring sunset as I drove through the snow-covered hills and farmland of upstate NY. Honestly, I wanted to stop in the middle of the 2 lane highway and take a picture. If I were an artist, I would paint this memory... criss-crossing rolling hills covered in snow, tinted orange and pink by the sun setting directly above them, while the clouds and sky are every shade of orange, pink, purple, yellow, and blue.
- expanses of untouched snow that made me say, "Wow," out loud many times. Along with, "What a beautiful world God has created for us!!!!!!" It was one of the most overwhelmingly wonderful and inspiring and beautiful 20 minutes.
- unpacking almost everything from being away for a month and a half this evening.
Now, just to get back into the swing of things without losing all this energy that I'm discovering now that I sleep at night.
- awesome breakfast at cafe streudal in columbia with my Baha'i family - including several small ones (3 year old, 1 year old, 4 month old, 1 month old) - cuteness and love overflowed.
- wonderful times at home with the family, too many to name or count
- a fun road trip Tuesday, via Durham, to the DC area
- great times with a 4 year old and a 21 month old, and my Baha'i big sis and bro
- one of the best games of Taboo ever played ("scampering animal problem" = mousetrap)
- one of the sweetest breakfast table moments with a child copying me
- an easy drive back home in the sunshine
- a beautiful, soul stirring sunset as I drove through the snow-covered hills and farmland of upstate NY. Honestly, I wanted to stop in the middle of the 2 lane highway and take a picture. If I were an artist, I would paint this memory... criss-crossing rolling hills covered in snow, tinted orange and pink by the sun setting directly above them, while the clouds and sky are every shade of orange, pink, purple, yellow, and blue.
- expanses of untouched snow that made me say, "Wow," out loud many times. Along with, "What a beautiful world God has created for us!!!!!!" It was one of the most overwhelmingly wonderful and inspiring and beautiful 20 minutes.
- unpacking almost everything from being away for a month and a half this evening.
Now, just to get back into the swing of things without losing all this energy that I'm discovering now that I sleep at night.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Beach time
This year's visit to the beach has been just as wonderful as past years. We got this beautiful, huge house this year, due to several more people joining us for part of the time. We have a covered porch, a sitting room/sun room, as well as an uncovered porch, on the 3 floors of the house! It's been colder than usual, but still very enjoyable. One of my favorite parts of this house is the rocking/bouncing chairs on the 1st floor porch, as well as the beautifully decorated bedrooms. This is no "beach decor" house, but really an elegantly decorated house.
I'm finding that this year I'm enthralled by all the tiny, tiny shells that are on the beach. I'm talking about 1-5 millimeters big here. They're beautiful, and come in so many colors! I've put together quite a collection, getting some with each of my favorite people here, so I have a bunch of memories to put together and keep with me on my desk at school.
We were fortunate to have several beautiful sunrises, and a magnificent sunset during our first few days here, but now the rain and clouds have come to stay I think.
The only drawback of this trip is that I've stopped getting good sleep, mostly thanks to the strange beds and sounds of the house I think. I'm realizing just how important good sleep is to how I feel, so I'm going to need to learn how to travel and still rest well at night. This seems like a great idea, though a bit costly. I'm definitely looking forward to buying a new bed for my place in Ithaca, as it is now a necessary expense for me to get work done this spring semester.
Many many thoughts running through my head here, as usual. Nothing's really taken shape yet though - more prayers, meditations, mullings to come.
I'm finding that this year I'm enthralled by all the tiny, tiny shells that are on the beach. I'm talking about 1-5 millimeters big here. They're beautiful, and come in so many colors! I've put together quite a collection, getting some with each of my favorite people here, so I have a bunch of memories to put together and keep with me on my desk at school.
We were fortunate to have several beautiful sunrises, and a magnificent sunset during our first few days here, but now the rain and clouds have come to stay I think.
The only drawback of this trip is that I've stopped getting good sleep, mostly thanks to the strange beds and sounds of the house I think. I'm realizing just how important good sleep is to how I feel, so I'm going to need to learn how to travel and still rest well at night. This seems like a great idea, though a bit costly. I'm definitely looking forward to buying a new bed for my place in Ithaca, as it is now a necessary expense for me to get work done this spring semester.
Many many thoughts running through my head here, as usual. Nothing's really taken shape yet though - more prayers, meditations, mullings to come.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
What a difference sleep makes!
I feel like I'm slowly waking up to life again. Over the past 4 nights, I've actually slept for the first time in months probably. I didn't really how terrible my sleep was, and how much that was affecting me, for the past few months. Only now, with a good mattress and a good sleeping pill, am I actually resting at night. I feel like a veil is starting to be lifted from my view, and I can actually exist again!
I've exercised every day since Saturday, I went to yoga today, I'm doing my stretches and exercises, and I'm starting to have energy again.
I'm dealing with the anxiety that if I get up out of bed, I won't necessarily get worse or sick again. I've been living under this constant fear for the past few months that if I get up, I'll only feel worse. It's been coming true until the past few days. I used to be scared that anything I did would only make me feel worse and hurt more.
The funny thing is that I didn't realize how much pain I was in until we gave it that name. I used to just feel miserable all the time, not really knowing why or what I could do about it. Now I can say, "Ok, right now my stomach hurts, my knee hurts, and my shoulders hurt, but it'll pass, especially if I put heat on it." Maybe my hands hurt, because they're not used to being used, but once I develop my muscles again, I might be able to write notes during an hour class and not be in utter pain and misery afterward. I won't have to give myself pep talks to walk across the house!!
I'm starting to have to purposely slow myself down, so I don't over do it, instead of forcing myself to get going.
Keep the healing prayers coming, I still need them, but there is light at the end of the tunnel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've exercised every day since Saturday, I went to yoga today, I'm doing my stretches and exercises, and I'm starting to have energy again.
I'm dealing with the anxiety that if I get up out of bed, I won't necessarily get worse or sick again. I've been living under this constant fear for the past few months that if I get up, I'll only feel worse. It's been coming true until the past few days. I used to be scared that anything I did would only make me feel worse and hurt more.
The funny thing is that I didn't realize how much pain I was in until we gave it that name. I used to just feel miserable all the time, not really knowing why or what I could do about it. Now I can say, "Ok, right now my stomach hurts, my knee hurts, and my shoulders hurt, but it'll pass, especially if I put heat on it." Maybe my hands hurt, because they're not used to being used, but once I develop my muscles again, I might be able to write notes during an hour class and not be in utter pain and misery afterward. I won't have to give myself pep talks to walk across the house!!
I'm starting to have to purposely slow myself down, so I don't over do it, instead of forcing myself to get going.
Keep the healing prayers coming, I still need them, but there is light at the end of the tunnel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Spiritual development
Quote of the day:
"... Therefore, the more sorrows one sees the more perfect one becomes. That is why, in all times, the Prophets of God have had tribulations and difficulties to withstand. The more often the captain of a ship is in the tempest and difficult sailing the greater his knowledge becomes. Therefore I am happy that you have had great tribulations and difficulties. For this I am very happy - that you have had many sorrows. Strange it is that I love you and still I am happy that you have sorrows." - Abdu'l-Baha
It helps me to remember that the Manifestations of God dealt with health challenges, as well as many many many other difficulties during their lives. It also makes me feel a little better remembering that Abdu'l-Baha does love me. It's amazing how much that one little thought warms my heart. He was such an incredible person - perfectly exemplifying the qualities of justice, patience, kindness, love, wisdom, and equality, among many others.
Today has been harder health-wise, with my throat swollen all day no matter how much I rest. The musical last night was fun, but today hasn't been because of it. Just two weeks and I go home!
"... Therefore, the more sorrows one sees the more perfect one becomes. That is why, in all times, the Prophets of God have had tribulations and difficulties to withstand. The more often the captain of a ship is in the tempest and difficult sailing the greater his knowledge becomes. Therefore I am happy that you have had great tribulations and difficulties. For this I am very happy - that you have had many sorrows. Strange it is that I love you and still I am happy that you have sorrows." - Abdu'l-Baha
It helps me to remember that the Manifestations of God dealt with health challenges, as well as many many many other difficulties during their lives. It also makes me feel a little better remembering that Abdu'l-Baha does love me. It's amazing how much that one little thought warms my heart. He was such an incredible person - perfectly exemplifying the qualities of justice, patience, kindness, love, wisdom, and equality, among many others.
Today has been harder health-wise, with my throat swollen all day no matter how much I rest. The musical last night was fun, but today hasn't been because of it. Just two weeks and I go home!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Fire and Gold
This morning I was pondering how I could get something out of all this time in bed, and about the fact that I've found it hard to pray and read the Baha'i writings while sick - I just don't have the concentration it seems. I came up with a plan - a systematization if you will ;). I'm going to read through the whole of Fire and Gold: Benefitting from Life's Tests.
Today, I read the very first section. A couple of quotes really struck me:
1. "For the people of faith, trials and disasters and tribulations lead to spiritual progress, that is, if one bears them with patience and detachment from all save God.... The longer you leave gold in red-hot fire, the purer it will be." - Attributed to Abdu'l-Baha
The importance of going through your tests with patience and detachment is certainly something I need to work on. I'm still grappling (and maybe focusing too much) on how unfair it feels that I have to deal with this. And I think I am slowly getting better at enduring with patience and reliance on God.
2. The troubles of this world pass, and what we have left is what we have made of our souls, so it is to this we must look - to becoming more spiritual, drawing nearer to God, no matter what our human minds and bodies go through. " - Attributed to Shoghi Effendi
It's interesting for me to separate my mind from my soul. I knew that it was in the Writings of the Baha'i Faith that even if you are physically sick, your soul is still healthy, but it was interesting for me to be reminded that even my mind is separate from my soul, from the part of me that will carry on after my physical death. I think it's very common for us to connect our minds with who we are (e.g., I think, therefore I am), but really it's our soul is our real identity. Even though my mind is struggling with being sick and the limitations it's put on me, if I can keep my soul healthy and strong, and develop it even more, that's what matters. That's really how I think of "Armed with the power of Thy name, nothing can ever hurt me, and with Thy love in my heart, all the world's afflictions can in no wise alarm me. (For an amazing, yet tear-jerking video, see here.)
I keep having the song "Prayer-hearing, prayer-answering God, let Your mercy rain down upon me. I know that You have risen up with healing in Your wings, I open my heart to receive.... I want You to hold me, mold me, make me, shape me into what you want me to be. I open my heart to receive." This song, performed by the One Human Family Choir, led by Eric Dozier, was performed at the national Baha'i conference in Milwaukee in 2001. I can't find a recording of it anywhere, but it's still one of my favorites.
Today, I read the very first section. A couple of quotes really struck me:
1. "For the people of faith, trials and disasters and tribulations lead to spiritual progress, that is, if one bears them with patience and detachment from all save God.... The longer you leave gold in red-hot fire, the purer it will be." - Attributed to Abdu'l-Baha
The importance of going through your tests with patience and detachment is certainly something I need to work on. I'm still grappling (and maybe focusing too much) on how unfair it feels that I have to deal with this. And I think I am slowly getting better at enduring with patience and reliance on God.
2. The troubles of this world pass, and what we have left is what we have made of our souls, so it is to this we must look - to becoming more spiritual, drawing nearer to God, no matter what our human minds and bodies go through. " - Attributed to Shoghi Effendi
It's interesting for me to separate my mind from my soul. I knew that it was in the Writings of the Baha'i Faith that even if you are physically sick, your soul is still healthy, but it was interesting for me to be reminded that even my mind is separate from my soul, from the part of me that will carry on after my physical death. I think it's very common for us to connect our minds with who we are (e.g., I think, therefore I am), but really it's our soul is our real identity. Even though my mind is struggling with being sick and the limitations it's put on me, if I can keep my soul healthy and strong, and develop it even more, that's what matters. That's really how I think of "Armed with the power of Thy name, nothing can ever hurt me, and with Thy love in my heart, all the world's afflictions can in no wise alarm me. (For an amazing, yet tear-jerking video, see here.)
I keep having the song "Prayer-hearing, prayer-answering God, let Your mercy rain down upon me. I know that You have risen up with healing in Your wings, I open my heart to receive.... I want You to hold me, mold me, make me, shape me into what you want me to be. I open my heart to receive." This song, performed by the One Human Family Choir, led by Eric Dozier, was performed at the national Baha'i conference in Milwaukee in 2001. I can't find a recording of it anywhere, but it's still one of my favorites.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
bella
Opening line seemed fitting:
"My grandmother used to say: If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans."
Today was hard, or more specifically tonight was hard. I really was tired of being stuck at the house when I knew a bunch of my friends were getting together to celebrate a friend's A exam completion. I had used up most of my energy today doing work, and had very little left and I have to teach tomorrow, so I wasn't going to go. But that just reminded me of the fact that:
1. I already missed the A-exam celebration (and birthday celebration) of a good friend here because I'm sick.
2. I'm tired of being home alone when my friends are together having a good time.
3. I'm tired of eating the food that I have, and I wanted Thai so bad.
So, I drove to the restaurant, picked up a carry-out order I had called in, then sat at the table with people for about 15 minutes and left. Once I got home, I was eating (exhausted), and what happened? Malcolm tried to eat my food, so I shooed him away. In the process, I flipped over the entire container of pad thai onto the carpet! So, I lost my delicious food and had to clean up a stained carpet, and now the room smells like carpet cleaner. Why???????????
It's one of those evenings where it's really hard for me how much I've missed because I've been so sick, and how much I've had to give up, and how much hasn't gone the way I wanted it to.
I'm frustrated, and tired, and please keep me in your prayers/thoughts. I need all the love and support I can get right now. 22 days until Mayo.
"My grandmother used to say: If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans."
Today was hard, or more specifically tonight was hard. I really was tired of being stuck at the house when I knew a bunch of my friends were getting together to celebrate a friend's A exam completion. I had used up most of my energy today doing work, and had very little left and I have to teach tomorrow, so I wasn't going to go. But that just reminded me of the fact that:
1. I already missed the A-exam celebration (and birthday celebration) of a good friend here because I'm sick.
2. I'm tired of being home alone when my friends are together having a good time.
3. I'm tired of eating the food that I have, and I wanted Thai so bad.
So, I drove to the restaurant, picked up a carry-out order I had called in, then sat at the table with people for about 15 minutes and left. Once I got home, I was eating (exhausted), and what happened? Malcolm tried to eat my food, so I shooed him away. In the process, I flipped over the entire container of pad thai onto the carpet! So, I lost my delicious food and had to clean up a stained carpet, and now the room smells like carpet cleaner. Why???????????
It's one of those evenings where it's really hard for me how much I've missed because I've been so sick, and how much I've had to give up, and how much hasn't gone the way I wanted it to.
I'm frustrated, and tired, and please keep me in your prayers/thoughts. I need all the love and support I can get right now. 22 days until Mayo.
A Rhythm
My days have developed a rhythm to them. Most days, I wake up (no alarm), lie in bed a little bit until I get my bearings, then get up. I get everything done I need to, then rest for a while. Yes, I have to rest after getting breakfast done, it's pretty sad.
I always try to figure out something different to do in a day to make it special or different - to pass the time in different ways.
Today, I plan on sitting/lying in a patch of sunshine in my bedroom to write thank you notes.
I start my day with a to-do list, so I can not stress about it and so that I can plan my productive spurts. Some days, when I'm feeling really low on energy, I put "eat lunch" and/or "eat dinner" on the list, just so I feel like I've done something.
For the past couple weeks, I make at least one phone call to a doctor's office or insurance company, trying to get all the logistics for my Mayo Clinic visit in place. I think I'm almost there.
I'm reading more these days, when my head isn't pounding too much, plus watching lots of things on Netflix Instant Watching. If you have a suggestion of a book/tv show/movie that takes practically no mental energy and is happy/uplifting/funny (not in a crude way), please suggest it! I need things to pass the time.
Malcolm keeps me surprisingly entertained and comforted. He's developed a few new tricks to amuse me, and being able to care for something else, even in such a small way, is comforting. I'm not used to having to ask so much of other people and not be able to give back.
I always try to figure out something different to do in a day to make it special or different - to pass the time in different ways.
Today, I plan on sitting/lying in a patch of sunshine in my bedroom to write thank you notes.
I start my day with a to-do list, so I can not stress about it and so that I can plan my productive spurts. Some days, when I'm feeling really low on energy, I put "eat lunch" and/or "eat dinner" on the list, just so I feel like I've done something.
For the past couple weeks, I make at least one phone call to a doctor's office or insurance company, trying to get all the logistics for my Mayo Clinic visit in place. I think I'm almost there.
I'm reading more these days, when my head isn't pounding too much, plus watching lots of things on Netflix Instant Watching. If you have a suggestion of a book/tv show/movie that takes practically no mental energy and is happy/uplifting/funny (not in a crude way), please suggest it! I need things to pass the time.
Malcolm keeps me surprisingly entertained and comforted. He's developed a few new tricks to amuse me, and being able to care for something else, even in such a small way, is comforting. I'm not used to having to ask so much of other people and not be able to give back.
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