Simple gifts

I must say that I'm quite grateful for the little joys today. I introduced Malott 120 to Dutch Blitz today. If you haven't played it, then you really should. It's like Speed/Spit combined with Speed Solitaire, while you're battling at least 3 other people. We decided probably almost 100 rounds were played today alone. My poor cards have been in better condition, but it is such a fun game. I haven't heard so many screams and laughs in that office for a while :). And I even won a couple games! It was great to just relax and put energy into a silly game. And to go to the gym finally, after almost a week away. And to play cards so hard that I got so hungry that I wanted to eat the gluten-filled cake sitting on the Table. So instead, I came home and did laundry and made gluten-free cupcakes (mmmmm) and just read. No math tonight, just taking care of myself and doing the things that I want to do.
It's finally cooled off here, just tonight really. It's been abnormally humid and hot here for the past few weeks, making life without A/C a bit uncomfortable. I think fall might have finally arrived. I love Ithaca in the fall. It's absolutely beautiful, when it's not raining ;). The gorges are full of water, the falls are incredible, the leaves will soon start changing. There's a freshness in the air.
I haven't really been sleeping much over the past few weeks. Partly because of the heat, partly because the moment I wake up, my mind starts racing and I can't get it to stop. I'm doing so much math, that I'm attempting to do math with my sleep. Create automorphisms, write algorithms, calculate groups, finish proofs. I must say, it's not conducive to restful sleep ;). But I had this exhilarating thought last night as I was attempting to fall asleep. I really thought about what it would be like to become an instructor. To teach. I had this image of preparing my first class, and then going and introducing myself to the students. Being in the front of the classroom, with chalkboards behind me, and somewhat resentful freshman in front of me. And felt a deep joy that I haven't felt about school or math in a long time. Not just a "make you smile" joy. Those I've surrounded myself with over the past month. No, this was my heart saying, "Yes, this is what you're supposed to do. This is what you were made to do. This is the reason you have learned all this and suffered through all this." It was such an incredible relief, and I think it will make it easier to do some of these problem sets that seem needlessly painful.
This past week, I spent about 30 hours on one assignment, and the write up was something like 14 pages long. That was just one of my two classes. This coming week, the problem set is 50% longer, so he decided to give us an extra 2 days. Sigh. Exciting things to come in the next few weeks. Green Acre for College Club weekend and B, then going home for Fall Break to see the soon to be 3 boys! and my family, and then going to NYC to see my other B and have a little BWC reunion. I can't wait!
I've been enjoying Ingrid Michaelson and Dawnbreaker Collective over the past couple weeks, as my listening fare. Oh, and I finally saw the first two movies of the Bourne trilogy. Wow. Oh, and "The Ultimate Gift" is a fantastic movie. And now it is time for me to curl up in bed and read more of this fabulous book and enjoy the last moments of my one evening weekend.

More EPL

A few of my favorite quotes from my reading in Eat, Pray, Love over the past week or so:


"There are only two questions that human beings have ever fought over, all through history. How much do you love me? And Who's in charge?"

"You make serious face like this, you scare away good energy. To meditate, only you must smile. Smile with face, smile with mind, and good energy will come to you and clean away dirty energy. Even smile in your liver... Not to hurry, not to try too hard. Too serious, you make you sick. You can calling the good energy with a smile."

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over, (name). (Name)'s purpose was to shake you up, ..., tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it."
(I don't necessarily agree with the fullness of this quote, but I thought it was an interesting description.)

"While I stood there quietly drowning in two rivers of happiness at the same time."

"He's got a smile that could stop crime."

"The sound universe is also spectacular around here.... Before dawn the roosters for miles around announce how freaking cool it is to be roosters. ("We are ROOSTERS!" they holler. "We are the only ones who get to be ROOSTERS!")"
(This quote reminded me of that instance at NEBYfest where one of the performers mentioned that every now and then she likes to just yell "I love my life!!!!!!!!!!!" in funny and strange voices, just to remind herself :). She encouraged we do the same, and I've been using that recently, and you just can't help but smile.)

Spanglish

This evening I watched Spanglish with the girls as a "It's Friday evening, and I can't do any more math" event :). I'm really intrigued by the different relationships that they portray in the movie. The choices the characters make, the foundations for the different connections, the consequences of talking, the consequences of not talking. And that's all I'm going to say for the moment.

Good questions

"And the quesiton now for me is, What are my choices to be? What do I believe that I deserve in this life? Where can I accept sacrifice, and where can I not?" -Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Mid-day laugh

So, I was taking a brief break from LaTeX and homework, and picked up Eat, Pray, Love, and I found these two sentences far too hilarious:
"He might become more open and affectionate, not withholding himself from anyone who loves him on the fear that she will eat his soul. Or I might learn how to ... stop trying to eat his soul."

Jumpin' on the band wagon

I know that there has been a lot of enthusiasm for Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, but I must join in the cheers. This book has been exciting in several ways, and I've only read the first 60 pages. First, I learned about Cornell's Borrow Direct system (all the Ivy League libraries are connected, and if a book isn't available here, I can request it from the other schools and it'll be there in 2-3 days!), which became useful for coursework just 2 days later. Plus, it's the first book on my reading list for the semester. I have a list of 12 books and counting, that I've decided I'm going to just use the minutes I used to spend sitting and waiting, reading! This morning, while I waited for the bus (as 2 successive buses didn't show), I read. It helped keep me patient, and thoroughly enjoying my morning. In addition to these little excitements, the book is incredible. It's amazing how much commonality I can find between her experiences and my own. Over the past week, in several different instances, I found that different phenomena I've experienced have been very neatly put into words. Feelings, senses, etc. that I always knew about, now phrased in a simple, concise manner. It's pretty neat :).

Classes have begun, there seem to be more people around than the beginning of last year. There are definitely more people on the buses, which I don't care for so much. I like the group of first years that I'm taking courses with. We had our first analysis party this evening. Now that was an interesting experience. But, one problem set down, 13 to go ;). I have varying feelings about mathematics these days. If I can immerse myself in it, it's much easier to handle for some reason. Plus, I learned some very useful tools this summer, tools that didn't really seem quite so important as I learned them. But today, I got to teach someone something. Well, in fact I got to teach two different people two different things! I got such excitement from such simple lessons.

This past weekend I spent mostly at Green Acre Baha'i School in Eliot, ME. There, I met several people whom I had not seen for a long time. Apparently, my eyes lit up when I talked about being an instructor or teaching at a community college. I found this interesting, didn't realize I had such a response. Plus I laughed so much. Mostly at myself, but it was still utterly enjoyable.

I've had funny flashbacks to my year of service recently, mostly because of the heat. This is the first time I've really had to live without A/C in the States. Both at Green Acre and here at my apartment, it's slightly cooler outside but incredibly humid. I find urges to curl up on the floor and sleep somewhere, simply because it's air conditioned! :) I remember curling up in the check-in room and taking a 10 minute nap during breakfast, or during the Fast, taking a nap on the GF carpets (GF does not equal gluten-free in this case). Honestly, taking a nap anywhere that there was floor space. Floor naps were way better than bed naps.

I've learned the ironies of "help lines" over the past couple of days. Like, when your cell phone stops working and there's a customer service phone number to call. Or when your internet isn't working, and they give you a website to go to. The worst is when both break at the same time ;). But fortunately, I persevered and drew on the resources and stored knowledge that I had, and all is well again.

And the last bit of good news about my return to Ithaca: Moe's is coming to Ithaca!!!!!!! Welcome to Moe's! (but boo for Ugly Naked Guys now being Unanimous Decisions.)

Story of the Day

" Remember to use positive affirmations. I am not a dork is not one of them."
-Brian Andreas, www.storypeople.com

"in times like these..."

This morning, I went to the DC Baha'i Center for devotions, which were followed by a brief talk on life after death by an excellent speaker. I was reminded of the fact that one of the two things we can take with us to the next life is love. Not our possessions, not how physically fit we are or if we wore the top of fashion, but love. The purer the love, the stronger the bond. Not only should we spend time on developing our spiritual qualities, but also on strengthening the friendships that we have, the love that we share.

"That world beyond is a world of sanctity and radiance; therefore it is necessary that in this world he should acquire these divine attributes."

To be sanctified means to make holy, to set apart for sacred use. We are supposed to acquire sanctity, so I understand that to mean that I should set myself aside for sacred use. My life should be sacred. My focus should be holiness, not material gain.

She also said something which I had forgotten, or pushed to the back of my mind. If you're not progressing, then you're regressing. There's no such thing as standing still. I think that this summer, I've been regressing, since I surely haven't been progressing very well. But I've decided to change that. The events of the weekend have definitely taught me that I want to be different from many of the people around me.

I had a brief glimpse into what it's like to be seen solely as what I look like, and not who I am. I definitely had not been in such a situation before, and I found it so insulting it was a bit overwhelming. I couldn't begin to explain myself, I was at a complete loss of words for a while. After a little bit, I also learned that talking about the Baha'i Faith is one way that I can remind myself of my true identity and my true purpose, and draw on that strength that is inherent in me and was placed there by God.
This body is merely a tool, a vessel ;) (so you like my vessel? as someone I know likes to say). I should treat myself, and sought to be treated, in a way that preserves the sanctity of my soul.

At work, I feel like there's an unspoken allowance for being inconsiderate or extremely eccentric or antisocial or critical or flat out rude, as long as you're brilliant. But I don't think that intelligence should replace kindness, friendliness, or appreciation for the service of others. That doesn't seem acceptable to me, and I don't particularly want to be around that.
I've decided on a new course of study for the fall. I want to re-read Advent of Divine Justice, the Seven Valleys, and memorize the presentations from Book 6. I want to spiritually re-charge myself, re-focus my priorities, and relight the fire that I have slowly snuffed out.
I had another airport dream last night, where I had been in an airport and then gotten on a plane for one place, to try and get to my final destination faster, only to realize that where I flew to won't actually get me to where I want to be. I feel like this is rather telling about what I'm feeling towards school right now. I wonder if I made a wrong turn somewhere. The problem with being able to do anything is figuring out what I want to do. I feel out of place, completely, here. I cannot wait to get back to Ithaca, to feel at home again. No matter how hard it was, I still felt like I belonged there, for some reason (I don't know why). Honestly, I really don't know why it felt so right, but it really did. The reasons I got into Cornell have become more clear this summer. I had not appreciated the value of networking, and knowing people who know people, before this summer. It really is vital to early success. I have 10 days of work, a paper, and a presentation to do before I go home. Home to a place where all my actions are not judged, where I have the freedom to do what I want whenever I want.
On a more light hearted note, I got to see pandas yesterday :), and golden lion tamarinds. The National Zoo is really quite incredible. They give the animals much more freedom than I've seen at any other zoo. The orang utans have a jungle gym that spans across a portion of the zoo, where they can climb back and forth between two areas when they feel like it. The golden lion tamarinds have many patches of trees to play in, which cross above the paths where people can walk. I got to see the mother, father, 2 adolescents and 2 babies up close yesterday. They're really quite cute. And very family-oriented. Oh, and sloth bears are kind of funny looking. They really are a combination of sloth and bear. Pygmy hippopotami are goofy looking :). They look like a regular hippopotamus, but 1/10 or so the size. They spend more time on land, and have huge fangs/tusks (inside the mouth, which is why I didn't think they were tusks). But they like watermelon and potatoes. We were there at "dinner time" for many of the animals. Pandas immerse themselves in food. The bamboo was completely surrounding them, and I just went at it. It was adorable. They sit almost like humans when they eat.

"Real is harder to see in a smile. Tears break the seal of denial."

This is quite a hodge podge of thoughts that have been brewing for a while and come to the surface over the weekend.