it takes more than a few days

So, yesterday as I was desperately trying to understand analysis and finish a problem set, this song (Big Strong Girl by Deb Talan, a favorite), yet again, described so much of the position I was in or hoping to be true:
"it's not now or never
it's not black & it's not white
anything worth anything
takes more than a few days
& a long, long night

don't push so hard against the world
you can't do it all alone
& if you could, would you really want to?
even though you're a big strong girl,
come on, come on, lay it down
the best made plans
come on, come on, lay it down
are your open hands

rest your head
you've got two pillows to choose from
& a queen size bed
hold out for the moon
don't expect connection anytime soon
feel the light caress your fingertips
you have just begun
the word has only left your lips
maybe in time, you will find
your arms are wrapped around the sun

don't push so hard against the world, no, no
you can't do it all alone
& if you could, would you really want to?
even though you're a big strong girl,
come on, come on, lay it down
the best made plans
come on, come on, lay it down
are your open hands
are your open hands"
I liked the image of wrapping my arms around the sun. It seemed like an empowering, comforting thing, to be able to embrace that warmth, that power, that source of life. I can't do it all alone, so my best plan should be open hands. When feeling completely overwhelmed with the situation, I left the math building and found a secluded bench to sit and listen to music before sitting through Topology. I got to listen to music, to write, and to think about all the lovely things I have to look forward to :). To name a few, going to Green Acre at the end of the month, a concert this Friday by David Hunt (a Baha'i guitarist who I thoroughly enjoy), going home for Fall Break, including seeing friends, family, munchkins, eating Moe's several times, getting Marble Slab (hopefully including pumpkin ice cream!), a visit from the lovely Henderson St. ladies, and the DC Baha'i Congress over Thanksgiving for which I am volunteering! Amazing things await me in the next few weeks/months. I cannot wait to give big hugs to everyone... I love you all very much, and the thought of seeing your smiling faces again warms my heart to get through the not so fun homework times.
Yesterday afternoon I walked home through the gorge, and sat down about halfway down and just stared at the water and the falls while listening to my Baha'i music. It was an awesome place to meditate. The water is beautiful, flowing in almost exactly the same way, though to each drop of water, it's a brand new experience. It's so easy for us to see how that drop of water fits into the whole, where it's going. And the drops of water could be flowing together for a while and then get separated but they keep flowing. So, even though I am far from those I love, I'm going to keep flowing ;), and I'll end up where I need to be, where I can serve best. And I never know what's just around the bend. If you couldn't tell from my blogs, I'm drawing a lot of inspiration and refreshment from the water in the gorge these days :). It's one of the big reasons that I love Ithaca so much. Ithaca is gorges.
Alrighty, enough of a break. It's been a good day so far, the problem set is in, classes are done, my toilet is fixed, the topology assignment is done, recitation is almost planned, and dinner is in the oven. Woo hoo! I feel accomplished. Just another 5 or 6 hours, and I'll be ready for tomorrow!

How sweet it is...

... to be loved by God. Today I walked to and from campus through the gorge, taking pictures on the way up (which I will later post on my new flickr account when I get around to uploading them). The gorge is absolutely beautiful truly gorge-ous. On the way home, I was listening to music while walking down, and when James Taylor "How Sweet it is (to be loved by you)" came on, I really wanted to dance. So I did. I danced my way down the path, somewhat racing the water to see if I could get to the next ledge as fast as it could (which I couldn't). I first thought, I enjoy this song so much, who loves me that it is so sweet that they do? My first thought was a couple people in my life and then more immediate to the situation, God. And I started to marvel at several things... One, that there are such places naturally in the world... places where water flows and those that don't, and that there's natural a ton of water in this skinny space that cut through the rock and made beautiful falls, somewhere that people can live near it to appreciate it. That God made created these, and then created us to consider such things as beautiful. Wouldn't it be terrible if we thought trees and water were ugly? I guess we wouldn't survive, so time would kill out that quality maybe. I love how happy plain water can make me, just its existence and movement. Though the movement is an important part of its beauty. Same with the ocean. The constant motion and connection to another part of the world is a large part of its beauty. I love the sound of rushing water, or waves. So movement as a part of beauty. Hmm... interesting idea. Well, that's all for the moment. I must continue on with accomplishing things this evening. Constant movement in my life right now... hope that means I am becoming more beautiful ;).

The long walk home

Today, I followed a waterfall home. It was the most delightful walk I have had since I arrived. I was going to take the bus, but I was 10 seconds too late and didn't really want to take it anyway despite the weight of books on my back (a lot of work to be done this weekend). And I realized this morning that my window of opportunity to walk down the gorge was closing for soon it will be too cold, and as the ice hits, impossible to walk down it until it all melts.
As soon as I stepped on to the path, I was in awe. For the bridge that I have driven and walked over many times goes over one of the incredible waterfalls near campus, and I had never actually seen it. I realized that this walk was exactly what I needed. As I listened to some of my Baha'i readings set to music, the rushing of the water was so loud I could barely hear it. After the rain we've had the past few weeks, the creeks are flowing rather quickly and loudly, and it's lovely. Just seeing the evidence of how nature has cut through the rock, the flow of the water, the rapids, and then sudden calm, it's beautiful. I felt so calmed and invigorated watching the water flow. I wanted to run home, put down my bag and go right back up with a camera and better walking shoes so that I could spend hours in that gorge. Luckily, it's right behind my house :), though the entrance to the path is a couple blocks down. But a couple blocks is nothing, the only nature I had a couple blocks from my apt in Columbia was the sewer ditch in Maxcy Gregg Park, which was not exciting at all. Oh and the man-made pond and park that was way too overgrown to be useful for things other than walking dogs.
There were 6 or 7 different falls along the creek as I walked down, a bridge that I walked over that gave a phenomenal view of where I'd been and where I was going. At one point, the drop of the water was so steep it looked like the world just ended (kind of like when you're walking down the terraces, and you're approaching T5 and the bridge across Abbas St., and it looks like you're going to walk right off the edge of the mountain). I loved it. There were immediate changes between rapids and completely calm and still waters, swirling and bubbling and all kinds of power. Amazing. The view would be better going up, because then you can see the falls as you're walking rather than turning around, but then you're walking up too ;). I can't imagine ever riding the bus home if the weather is nice. Why ride on a hot, smelly bus when you can walk in the cool shade next to the water. Who cares if it takes a bit longer? Such beauty should not be bypassed.

Such exhilaration

It's amazing the difference one phone call can make. Over the past 24 hours, such a difference in my perspective. I finished my second full week of classes, turning in my first two homework sets for classes and graded my first set of homework. For a few days I didn't think everything was going to get done, I didn't know if I was actually able to do it, but I did. I figured out the math, I was determined in my time management, and it all happened. To think this entire year will be like that, I will definitely be tired ;), but will learn a lot. Every time I start thinking that something isn't right, I get that feeling of excitement when I understand a concept or see a new theorem or solve a problem I had no idea about. That can't be normal, I figure, so I just need to hold on to that excitement.
Plus I just got off the phone, and I feel like I have a new mission. I finally have a way to serve the Baha'i community here, and I'm so excited. I've been here almost a month now, and I was floundering, not knowing what to do. After talking to the Auxiliary Board member though, now I feel like I have something that I can do, some way I can be of service. There are so many exciting things happening that I want to be a part of them. I need that area of my life to be signficant; otherwise I don't have a center. I'm so used to the Baha'i community being my family, my origin, and my support, that it's been a difficult few weeks without that. I'm used to being able to be able to share faith with my friends. There are so few people here though that have some sort of spiritual belief in their lives. I will find them. Slowly but surely, it can be there.
I feel such a relief and excitement about the coming years. And I know where to start, which always helps.
I have this story stuck in my mind that I heard sung a few days ago, a recording that I have of a passage from the Seven Valleys by Baha'u'llah, about a lover who has lost his beloved and life loses meaning for him. One day he goes to the market and a watchman starts following him. The lover starts running and more watchmen are following him and he cries out and curses them and doesn't understand why he is being chased. They chase him to a wall which he climbs "with untold pain" and falls into the garden below, where he sees his beloved. After realizing these watchment have chased him to his beloved, he blesses them for sending him there. I feel like these past few weeks, I've been chased... I don't really know why, but I do know there must be some reason, and I'm just going to keep running and climbing, and I feel like something is so close... We'll see what happens. Even though it's hard, and I feel like I'm searching for something that might not be there, I'll keep looking and keep trying.
To be a constant source of love. It's one of my favorite quotations that I keep meaning to memorize. We, as believers of God, are to be a source of love. So that's what I'm going to strive to do.

coming up for air

so tonight I finished about hour 30 on the analysis assignment (8 problems), which is good since it's due tomorrow morning. TA duties loom, as well as 10 problems for topology, all for Thursday. Life is in full gear already, and it's only week 2. However, I have found that if I just ask for help, I can get it. I'm not used to spending this much time and effort on homework, but it's apparently typical and something I should get used to, along with a lack of sleep. I really like the department though, I picked a good one to be in. They test my limits, but the people are great and they do want me to eventually succeed. And I should never forget the wonderful effect of a nice walk/prayer session. It's what made the afternoon turn around. Time for some very deep, unfortuantely short, sleep.

Efforts rewarded

Today, when I woke up, my apartment was a mess and chaotic. Tonight, it is more ordered than it has been since I moved in, greatly helped by new furniture and decisions on furnishings. There's still more to go, including painting my table red and assembling a couple other things, but it will be greatly helped when they remove my extra furniture and I get my new fridge. I can't wait to have my prayer corner up in my room, and my table. That will put the finishing touches on the bedroom, and I can finally get that organized. Plus it would be nice to have the use of the prayer corner, I've missed it. It makes such a difference to have a corner set aside to praying, instead of doing it next to or on the bed/couch/desk, etc. I'm excited about the new colors in my apartment. I no longer have only blue, I've branched out to blue, green, reds and woods. :) Yay for diversity!
Tomorrow is Labor Day, and yet we have class. The staff are all off, but we're told that we, at least the grad students, have class. Apparently it's not labor-full for the profs to lecture. I am glad that my analysis professor has office hours tomorrow evening at least, and I plan to be there to ask questions. That's all that's going to help at this point, is asking lots of questions and not being afraid of mistakes.
I got to talk to one of my soul sisters today, I hadn't talked to her since right after her honeymoon. It's still strange to think of her as married, plus one of our other sisters got married a couple weeks ago! Now 2/5 of the Hameginim sisters are married. Crazy. It was so lovely to talk to her though. As we were talking, I said aloud, mostly to myself again, that all I can do is keep praying and grad school will work. I say that I'm not afriad of hard work, and I'm not. This is just entirely different hard work than the hard work I've encountered before. Not necessarily harder, just a different form. One person has said this will be the hardest year of our lives, and I had to disagree. One person asked me how they could help make this the best year of my life, and I don't think that's possible either ;). It will be a very important year though, and whatever happen will be for the best. God has a plan for me, who am I to question it? He obviously doesn't think this is too hard for me, otherwise I wouldn't be here.
"He will never deal unjustly with any one, neither will He task a soul beyond its power. He, verily, is the Compassionate, the All-Merciful."

on second thought...

so, after this morning's very frustrating homework session, I'm starting to wonder if I can actually do this. I mean, am I mathematically able to complete this year? I like Ithaca, I'm loving my apartment more and more every day, and I like the people, but the math just isn't happening. the first year is supposed to be terribly hard... I really hope that I make it. I wonder how much I have to be able to do and not fail.
On a happier note, I now have an electric screwdriver to put together my IKEA furniture, and I found Midnight Milky Ways at Target! Once again, Target saves the day.

Road trip

Today was a marvelous day. As I was sitting eating dinner, I couldn't stop smiling, and it just got better than that. It was wonderful. Driving about 8 hours in the rain wasn't fun, but it wasn't scary rain, just steady, with a little wind and fog thrown in for good measure and excitement. To keep me on my toes.
So this morning, myself and two other math girls left my apartment on an adventure. We listened to fabulous music, drove through NY and PA, and talked about anything and everything. We had toll roads and tunnels, hills and flat. It was a good mix of driving with not too much traffic (amazing for Labor Day weekend).
We arrived at IKEA around lunch time, and much to our delight discovered that they have a parking garage so we didn't have to get wet, since it was raining pretty steadily then in Conshohocken, PA. After lunch in the restaurant (which included home packed lunch for me), we ran and got legs for my table top so they didn't run out :), and then continued through the showrooms. I'll leave out details, as it would get very long, but we saw many things we liked, some of which we loved and wished we had a house to do such things with, and headed back downstairs to collect all of our desired items (including the most perfect table to extend my kitchen with at a very affordable price!). A few hours later, I emerged with a full cart and ready to leave the madness. If you think Wal-Mart is ever crowded, you should go to IKEA on a Saturday afternoon. Nevertheless, we then collected all of my self-service furniture with only one mishap of color, checked out and left. Then, we got to go to MOE'S!!!!!!!!!! And they said "Welcome to Moe's" and it smelled like Moe's and it was lovely. My dinner didn't taste all that good, I think the sour cream was bad, but I didn't care because it was Moe's. I had queso and a streaker Art Vandalay and sweet tea. Towards the end of the meal, I went back to ask for more chips for our queso, and she gave me an entire bagful of nice, warm fresh chips!!!!!!! So I got to bring Moe's goodness home with me! :)
Afterwards, we headed across the street to Whole Foods, which was not a planned part of the trip, to get gluten-free pizza crusts and bagels (alas no doughnuts), and then dessert: ice cream, eclairs and cheesecake for the respective girls of the group. Most of my ice cream got dumped once it became soup, but it was delicious while it lasted.
Then, as we're driving through upper PA, we see deer in a field, probably at least 5 (though I was driving and couldn't really count). I was happy about this, hadn't seen deer yet since I moved here. As we drove on the state highway towards Ithaca, just about a mile from downtown Ithaca, I slammed on the breaks to avoid hitting a doe and her two fawns!!!!!!!!! They were eating berries and leaves on the side of the road, and I got to see deer! I'm so excited about the fact that animals other than squirrells and birds live around me. It's lovely.
So, it was a wonderful day. Tomorrow will include a morning of analysis and an afternoon of assemblying furniture, and then my apartment will be so much better :). Such a lovely lovely day.
All in all, I had a fabulous day at IKEA, and wonderful things added to the mix. Definitely a good Saturday, and I thought of most of my favorite people today for different reasons. Happy Moe's dances and all sorts of great memories, special lovely songs in honor of different people, a soon to be red table. orchids, and a new duvet cover that looks very familiar :).
It's now finally September, and I get to see several people this month, and another couple people next month :-D. The apartment is becoming a home, and new memories are in the making.