"I want to be a dancer!"

Tonight, something made sense to me. Something clicked, fell into place. Me, as a children's librarian. I love children, more than normal, and I have always loved libraries. One of my favorite places to be was the library. I volunteered at the public library for 5 summers. I spent most of my time in elementary school in the library. I love going to the library here. And I could be around children and children's books all the time. I don't know if I really have the artistic skills for such a job. But maybe I could learn to not be so embarrassed by whatever I create. And maybe it would come with time. The softness that one needs for drawing and creating. Everything always ends up so sharp and jagged.

I've always liked straight lines. And I've always liked the color blue.

I remember doing a painting once in elementary school, that I loved and I was so proud of. I felt like I had really created art. And I showed it to my teacher and she said, "There's too much blue. You need more colors." So dutifully, I added more different colors and it ruined it. I hated the painting from then on.

I pretty much finished my take home final today. It's not perfect at all. It's not turned in yet. I wasn't ready to let go of it, in case I woke up in the morning and realized that I had done something wrong.

I wonder if the reason I'm in grad school is because it's "my thing." Math has been the thing I've always been good at and enjoyed. I enjoyed French horn, but I wasn't spectacular at it. I loved dance and performing, but I really wasn't that good. I was much better in my head than in reality, which I think is one reason that I love to dance but never do it out of my own apartment or when anyone is watching.

My hope is this summer will reignite my passion for math, or give me new insights as to what I want to do. I have so many options ahead of me, and I need to figure out which one I want to take.

"Music and Lyrics" is a rather amusing movie. Exactly what we needed tonight to destress from finishing analysis exams. I would highly recommend it.

I realize this entry is rather extreme. "Always". I know it probably isn't always, but that's what it feels like. That's what I remember feeling at least.

"I think I'll get my own avocado tree."

"That flying turtle bird was the most original costume in the third grade."