Wow, is this life?

So, tonight I was driving home, marvelling at the many things that have happened over the past few days that make think, "Wait, this is my life?" Things that I hear about happening to other people or that it's been a long time since they happened. I have moved to a new place, and things are very much different. I'm still the same me, but with entirely new people. And I'm being tested in new ways, and having fun in new ways, it's funny.
Tonight I hung out with a couple of the Baha'i undergrads... we had talked about how we needed to have a social network as well as a spiritual network among us, so I offered that we could hang out tonight, and hence I was invited to help make cookies at the Eco dorm. I thought I'd take ice cream, and we'd hang out and make cookies the three of us. I kind of forgot what being in a dorm on a Saturday night is like... there were of course at least 40 people in and out, they were wrapping up a Danc-inox marathon (dance-athon combined with celebrating the equinox), and so there were people with that, plus when you say "cookie" in a dorm, people come running. It's complete craziness at times... it's a cool life, you're surrounded by so many different and interesting people, but I have very little in common with any of them, but it's still cool to feel their energy. But I was definitely ready to leave after a couple hours, ready to get out of the madness and go to a place where I have a kitchen and a bedroom and a living room all together, and don't share that common space with literally hundreds of people. I enjoyed living in the dorm, constantly around other people, it was a fun time, just not for me any more... And I'm doing fun stuff with other math people, including contra dancing last night and Studio 60 premiere tomorrow night. Contra dancing was so much fun and I met some pretty cool people. It's one of those things I never would have seen myself doing in Columbia, but I'm so glad I'm doing it here!
And if I ever use the phone, I'm always surprised to actually talk to someone, and not get their voicemail. It's only been the past few weeks that's been true... I guess we've all just gotten so busy with life.
My home I share with many spiders... those of you that know me know that this is a very very big growth process for me. I hate spiders just as much as I hate cockroaches... and I have gone from one thing to another. But at least spiders have a purpose... they control the bug population. But there are just a lot of creepy crawlies, and I'm not enjoying it. And I have a feeling it will get worse in the winter, because it'll be warm in here and not out there. But today I was standing in my living room, and all of a sudden this spider dropped down from the ceiling right in front of my face!!! Aagh. But I'm learning to deal with it. There are so many I can't kill them all, and even if I do, they'll just come back. Any suggestions?
Enough about spiders, a yucky topic.
I've started acquiring books recently. Books I want to read but have very little time to. I need to get back to the library, which is only about 5 blocks away and yet seems so far, because I never have time when it's open to go! Maybe some time next week, since they're not open tomorrow. I can't wait to know this town better. Little by litte, day by day, right?

Fantastic weekend!

Last night I went contra dancing!! It was so much fun... spinning around the room, dancing with a ton of different people, meeting new students, new people, etc. Then, I finally got the furniture finalized in the apartment, got to go shopping, get my hair cut, cook lots of food, watch 2 movies, woo hoo! And big plans for the next few days too. And then I get to go to Maine! I like weekends :). More thoughts later, I'm off to watch people make cookies, while we eat ice cream and caramel sauce, what a fabulous Saturday night.

these are a few of my favorite things...

it's 38 degrees outside, seeing stars just outside my door, fondue, silly girlie movie with the girls, a new cookbook, new books to read, yummy food, Wegmans and their "Gluten-Free" labeling, and sleeping under my IKEA feather quilt tonight, sleeping past 6:30 am. dancing tomorrow night, hair cuts and shopping on saturday, farmer's market with fresh apple cider, and happy mail.
it's amazing the difference a day makes :)
...for the greatest bestowal of God is love. Love is the source of all the bestowals of God. Until love takes possession of the heart, no other divine bounty can be revealed in it. -Abdu'l-Baha
I ran across this quote on Monday when I was searching around for things to read during prayer time with C and had forgotten my prayer book once again. then, I received a lovely card today with this quote on it as well. It's been the source of much thought recently. as many of you know, I've thought about love and it's power a lot over the past year, as it is the topic of my blog after all.
It's an interesting journey I'm on now, I can't wait to see the next bend in the road... I feel kind of like a living Jenga game... every moment a new block is taken out from under me and I have to try to balance, and before I get to balancing another one is taken. But, I can cheat, I can use sticks to hold me up, I just have to work to find them in prayers and love and friends. I thank God for giving us love.
What a power is love! It is the most wonderful, the greatest of all living powers.
The first [kind of love] is the love that flows from God to man...This love is the origin of all the love in the world of creation.

It's been a long while

I feel like it's been forever since I posted, and much has happened in the past week. Today, I smiled a very big smile for the first time in a while, and it felt so good. All over a single phone call, speaking of Fruit Roll-Ups, blue and red sleeping bags, and an upcoming visit.
A big burden has been lifted off of my shoulders, and it definitely wasn't an easy process. Basically, I realized I was in far over my head in my analysis class, and it just wasn't right. As much as it was hard to admit that I couldn't understand math, that I was at a risk of failing, yes literally failing, it definitely was the right decision. I'm now officially in the undergrad analysis class, auditing the grad class so that when I take it next year things will make more sense. It's a bit of a blow to the ego, but we all need those, right? I'm definitely looking forward to the semester, it's going to be everything analysis wasn't last year, which is fantastic. It's really funny, we've basically turned things backwards... things that were our definitions of closed and compact and such are now theorems, and our theorems are now definitions. Funny how math works like that sometimes. And my lecturer is much much better, and easier to listen to at 8:40 in the morning. I now have class Mon-Thurs at 8:40 am. Not happy about that, but oh well. Do they not understand that my mind doesn't want to be thinking about analysis that early?
I gave my first quiz today, it was an interesting feeling. I proctor a prelim next week. I do enjoy this teaching thing. I kind of feel like a clown sometimes... a math clown... no not as in math jokes and tricks, but a clown that does math and tries to encourage and motivate others to do math.
Due to the intense week though, I am thoroughly exhausted and very ready for a break, so tonight I will eat ice cream, put gas in my car, get groceries, and settle down with fondue and a movie. Good evening, eh? The countdowns have begun. I will be in Maine in 8 days!!!! Seeing one of my favorite people in the world. In just 15 days, I will get to go back to the South and see many of those that I love. *sigh of comfort* How long it feels that it has been. It will be a very good fall break. It's funny. Last year fall break, I came up here, this year, I'm going back down.
One thought on undergrad vs. grad. mentality. At USC I was very actively and vocally involved in class, now I'm very happy to sit quietly, still think about things, but know the answer in my head, ask questions of myself to look up later, rather than talking to the prof about things. There's a certain relaxation that occurs when in grad school and pretty assured of my spot. No longer having to fight for my place. It's nice. I didn't realize I was fighting at all, it was just the way that I learned. But now, I'm quite content not to be at the forefront, but definitely silently assure the prof. I know what I'm doing.
So, just a few thoughts on this lovely fall day. It will be a fabulous weekend.

Sometimes

"Sometimes the wind in my eyes
Takes me past all my little white lies
And the sweet sound of the voice of the truth
Speaks in bitter words of decisions of youth

Shower me with love
Don't let me forget what I came here for
Let the sun shine from above
Don't let me lose my way
No more

Starlight
The hands of the sky
Lift me over my miniature life

Shower me with love
Don't let me forget what I came here for
Let the sun shine from above
Don't let me lose my way
No more

Wash me
In the waves of Your ocean of mercy
And when my eyes open, enfold me
In the light of faith dawning and hold me

Shower me with love
Don't let me forget what I came here for
Let the sun shine from above
Don't let me lose my way
No more"


So this is an old favorite recorded again on David Hunt's new Live at Erica's CD. I like this song. Especially last night and tonight. There's something that's especially moving about live music when there is a small audience... it's like the music is there just for you... why do we make ourselves listen to music that makes us sad, but it's addicting. We want to feel that sadness to still have a connection to that memory. To make sure it's still there, that it's not going even though the time is farther and farther away ("Service" does it... every time).
I need to remember what I came here for, I still don't think I've figured it out. But last night was definitely confirmation. I need to go to sleep, but the middle of the night is so peaceful. I don't feel guilty for not doing work. I can think, I can listen to music and be comforted by things and be hopeful about things and there just seem to be so many more possibilities at night. That seems backwards, but that's what I think.
So, basically I love the new David Hunt CD, so if you want it, let me know. It has Sharpie art and fun tracks and even a secret track, hee hee :). And amazing guitar playing.
And the Farmer's Market today was lovely. It was fun to be able to show them around my town, now that is my town. My first house guest, my first tour guide opportunity, and devotions again tomorrow morning at my house. I love weekly devotions. Okay, I must sleep so I can wake up to do laundry and homework before prayers that precede more homework.

The week's end

The end of the week went surprisingly well, given the circumstances. Despite getting the cold that's going around the graduate students, I was able to teach on Thursday, being able to answer questions in a helpful way without giving the answers. Either that, or my students were just amused by me and smiling because they thought I was silly instead of actually understanding. We'll see. I got to take the night off after that since no analysis homework had been posted, but lo and behold it was posted Friday morning. And good news! Clock tower pumpkin ice cream is offically in rotation at the Dairy Bar, which means I will just have to go frequently for my $2 of lots of delicious ice cream, so that I make sure to get some pumpkin as soon as I can. After most of the day without much of a voice, the evening ended with a delicious potluck dinner and a fabulous concert by David Hunt. My IKEA wok was the savoir of my stir fry, which I had attempted to make before for more than two people. But now, I can cook for 6-8 with no problem at all. I think my new favorite dish to cook is lemon dill chicken veggie stir fry. Zucchini, 3 colors of bell peppers, carrots, chicken, and dill, fresh lemon and lime. Delicious.
The concert was very nice, I laughed, I cried, I jumped, and thoroughly enjoyed the music. I'm now the proud owner of his newest CD, Live at Erica's, which I'm very excited about listening to. It can be my first CD of fall. Today's going to be warm again, all the way up to 76 degrees, which means the Farmer's Market for fresh apple cider, walking in the gorge, and then some homework doing. I decided this morning during prayers that I am going to be joyfully challenged by homework, instead of desperate and helpless in the face of the challenge. It's going to make all the difference, for after all, "Joy gives us wings! In times of joy our strength is more vital, our intellect keener, and our understanding less clouded. We seem better able to cope with the world, and to find our sphere of usefulness." Thus is my goal for next week. And next week has an exciting day for myself and another lovely lady, for it is my 2 year gluten free anniversary (woo hoo!) and her 22nd birthday :). So, this weekend shall be preparation for such events, I'm quite excited!

it takes more than a few days

So, yesterday as I was desperately trying to understand analysis and finish a problem set, this song (Big Strong Girl by Deb Talan, a favorite), yet again, described so much of the position I was in or hoping to be true:
"it's not now or never
it's not black & it's not white
anything worth anything
takes more than a few days
& a long, long night

don't push so hard against the world
you can't do it all alone
& if you could, would you really want to?
even though you're a big strong girl,
come on, come on, lay it down
the best made plans
come on, come on, lay it down
are your open hands

rest your head
you've got two pillows to choose from
& a queen size bed
hold out for the moon
don't expect connection anytime soon
feel the light caress your fingertips
you have just begun
the word has only left your lips
maybe in time, you will find
your arms are wrapped around the sun

don't push so hard against the world, no, no
you can't do it all alone
& if you could, would you really want to?
even though you're a big strong girl,
come on, come on, lay it down
the best made plans
come on, come on, lay it down
are your open hands
are your open hands"
I liked the image of wrapping my arms around the sun. It seemed like an empowering, comforting thing, to be able to embrace that warmth, that power, that source of life. I can't do it all alone, so my best plan should be open hands. When feeling completely overwhelmed with the situation, I left the math building and found a secluded bench to sit and listen to music before sitting through Topology. I got to listen to music, to write, and to think about all the lovely things I have to look forward to :). To name a few, going to Green Acre at the end of the month, a concert this Friday by David Hunt (a Baha'i guitarist who I thoroughly enjoy), going home for Fall Break, including seeing friends, family, munchkins, eating Moe's several times, getting Marble Slab (hopefully including pumpkin ice cream!), a visit from the lovely Henderson St. ladies, and the DC Baha'i Congress over Thanksgiving for which I am volunteering! Amazing things await me in the next few weeks/months. I cannot wait to give big hugs to everyone... I love you all very much, and the thought of seeing your smiling faces again warms my heart to get through the not so fun homework times.
Yesterday afternoon I walked home through the gorge, and sat down about halfway down and just stared at the water and the falls while listening to my Baha'i music. It was an awesome place to meditate. The water is beautiful, flowing in almost exactly the same way, though to each drop of water, it's a brand new experience. It's so easy for us to see how that drop of water fits into the whole, where it's going. And the drops of water could be flowing together for a while and then get separated but they keep flowing. So, even though I am far from those I love, I'm going to keep flowing ;), and I'll end up where I need to be, where I can serve best. And I never know what's just around the bend. If you couldn't tell from my blogs, I'm drawing a lot of inspiration and refreshment from the water in the gorge these days :). It's one of the big reasons that I love Ithaca so much. Ithaca is gorges.
Alrighty, enough of a break. It's been a good day so far, the problem set is in, classes are done, my toilet is fixed, the topology assignment is done, recitation is almost planned, and dinner is in the oven. Woo hoo! I feel accomplished. Just another 5 or 6 hours, and I'll be ready for tomorrow!

How sweet it is...

... to be loved by God. Today I walked to and from campus through the gorge, taking pictures on the way up (which I will later post on my new flickr account when I get around to uploading them). The gorge is absolutely beautiful truly gorge-ous. On the way home, I was listening to music while walking down, and when James Taylor "How Sweet it is (to be loved by you)" came on, I really wanted to dance. So I did. I danced my way down the path, somewhat racing the water to see if I could get to the next ledge as fast as it could (which I couldn't). I first thought, I enjoy this song so much, who loves me that it is so sweet that they do? My first thought was a couple people in my life and then more immediate to the situation, God. And I started to marvel at several things... One, that there are such places naturally in the world... places where water flows and those that don't, and that there's natural a ton of water in this skinny space that cut through the rock and made beautiful falls, somewhere that people can live near it to appreciate it. That God made created these, and then created us to consider such things as beautiful. Wouldn't it be terrible if we thought trees and water were ugly? I guess we wouldn't survive, so time would kill out that quality maybe. I love how happy plain water can make me, just its existence and movement. Though the movement is an important part of its beauty. Same with the ocean. The constant motion and connection to another part of the world is a large part of its beauty. I love the sound of rushing water, or waves. So movement as a part of beauty. Hmm... interesting idea. Well, that's all for the moment. I must continue on with accomplishing things this evening. Constant movement in my life right now... hope that means I am becoming more beautiful ;).

The long walk home

Today, I followed a waterfall home. It was the most delightful walk I have had since I arrived. I was going to take the bus, but I was 10 seconds too late and didn't really want to take it anyway despite the weight of books on my back (a lot of work to be done this weekend). And I realized this morning that my window of opportunity to walk down the gorge was closing for soon it will be too cold, and as the ice hits, impossible to walk down it until it all melts.
As soon as I stepped on to the path, I was in awe. For the bridge that I have driven and walked over many times goes over one of the incredible waterfalls near campus, and I had never actually seen it. I realized that this walk was exactly what I needed. As I listened to some of my Baha'i readings set to music, the rushing of the water was so loud I could barely hear it. After the rain we've had the past few weeks, the creeks are flowing rather quickly and loudly, and it's lovely. Just seeing the evidence of how nature has cut through the rock, the flow of the water, the rapids, and then sudden calm, it's beautiful. I felt so calmed and invigorated watching the water flow. I wanted to run home, put down my bag and go right back up with a camera and better walking shoes so that I could spend hours in that gorge. Luckily, it's right behind my house :), though the entrance to the path is a couple blocks down. But a couple blocks is nothing, the only nature I had a couple blocks from my apt in Columbia was the sewer ditch in Maxcy Gregg Park, which was not exciting at all. Oh and the man-made pond and park that was way too overgrown to be useful for things other than walking dogs.
There were 6 or 7 different falls along the creek as I walked down, a bridge that I walked over that gave a phenomenal view of where I'd been and where I was going. At one point, the drop of the water was so steep it looked like the world just ended (kind of like when you're walking down the terraces, and you're approaching T5 and the bridge across Abbas St., and it looks like you're going to walk right off the edge of the mountain). I loved it. There were immediate changes between rapids and completely calm and still waters, swirling and bubbling and all kinds of power. Amazing. The view would be better going up, because then you can see the falls as you're walking rather than turning around, but then you're walking up too ;). I can't imagine ever riding the bus home if the weather is nice. Why ride on a hot, smelly bus when you can walk in the cool shade next to the water. Who cares if it takes a bit longer? Such beauty should not be bypassed.

Such exhilaration

It's amazing the difference one phone call can make. Over the past 24 hours, such a difference in my perspective. I finished my second full week of classes, turning in my first two homework sets for classes and graded my first set of homework. For a few days I didn't think everything was going to get done, I didn't know if I was actually able to do it, but I did. I figured out the math, I was determined in my time management, and it all happened. To think this entire year will be like that, I will definitely be tired ;), but will learn a lot. Every time I start thinking that something isn't right, I get that feeling of excitement when I understand a concept or see a new theorem or solve a problem I had no idea about. That can't be normal, I figure, so I just need to hold on to that excitement.
Plus I just got off the phone, and I feel like I have a new mission. I finally have a way to serve the Baha'i community here, and I'm so excited. I've been here almost a month now, and I was floundering, not knowing what to do. After talking to the Auxiliary Board member though, now I feel like I have something that I can do, some way I can be of service. There are so many exciting things happening that I want to be a part of them. I need that area of my life to be signficant; otherwise I don't have a center. I'm so used to the Baha'i community being my family, my origin, and my support, that it's been a difficult few weeks without that. I'm used to being able to be able to share faith with my friends. There are so few people here though that have some sort of spiritual belief in their lives. I will find them. Slowly but surely, it can be there.
I feel such a relief and excitement about the coming years. And I know where to start, which always helps.
I have this story stuck in my mind that I heard sung a few days ago, a recording that I have of a passage from the Seven Valleys by Baha'u'llah, about a lover who has lost his beloved and life loses meaning for him. One day he goes to the market and a watchman starts following him. The lover starts running and more watchmen are following him and he cries out and curses them and doesn't understand why he is being chased. They chase him to a wall which he climbs "with untold pain" and falls into the garden below, where he sees his beloved. After realizing these watchment have chased him to his beloved, he blesses them for sending him there. I feel like these past few weeks, I've been chased... I don't really know why, but I do know there must be some reason, and I'm just going to keep running and climbing, and I feel like something is so close... We'll see what happens. Even though it's hard, and I feel like I'm searching for something that might not be there, I'll keep looking and keep trying.
To be a constant source of love. It's one of my favorite quotations that I keep meaning to memorize. We, as believers of God, are to be a source of love. So that's what I'm going to strive to do.

coming up for air

so tonight I finished about hour 30 on the analysis assignment (8 problems), which is good since it's due tomorrow morning. TA duties loom, as well as 10 problems for topology, all for Thursday. Life is in full gear already, and it's only week 2. However, I have found that if I just ask for help, I can get it. I'm not used to spending this much time and effort on homework, but it's apparently typical and something I should get used to, along with a lack of sleep. I really like the department though, I picked a good one to be in. They test my limits, but the people are great and they do want me to eventually succeed. And I should never forget the wonderful effect of a nice walk/prayer session. It's what made the afternoon turn around. Time for some very deep, unfortuantely short, sleep.

Efforts rewarded

Today, when I woke up, my apartment was a mess and chaotic. Tonight, it is more ordered than it has been since I moved in, greatly helped by new furniture and decisions on furnishings. There's still more to go, including painting my table red and assembling a couple other things, but it will be greatly helped when they remove my extra furniture and I get my new fridge. I can't wait to have my prayer corner up in my room, and my table. That will put the finishing touches on the bedroom, and I can finally get that organized. Plus it would be nice to have the use of the prayer corner, I've missed it. It makes such a difference to have a corner set aside to praying, instead of doing it next to or on the bed/couch/desk, etc. I'm excited about the new colors in my apartment. I no longer have only blue, I've branched out to blue, green, reds and woods. :) Yay for diversity!
Tomorrow is Labor Day, and yet we have class. The staff are all off, but we're told that we, at least the grad students, have class. Apparently it's not labor-full for the profs to lecture. I am glad that my analysis professor has office hours tomorrow evening at least, and I plan to be there to ask questions. That's all that's going to help at this point, is asking lots of questions and not being afraid of mistakes.
I got to talk to one of my soul sisters today, I hadn't talked to her since right after her honeymoon. It's still strange to think of her as married, plus one of our other sisters got married a couple weeks ago! Now 2/5 of the Hameginim sisters are married. Crazy. It was so lovely to talk to her though. As we were talking, I said aloud, mostly to myself again, that all I can do is keep praying and grad school will work. I say that I'm not afriad of hard work, and I'm not. This is just entirely different hard work than the hard work I've encountered before. Not necessarily harder, just a different form. One person has said this will be the hardest year of our lives, and I had to disagree. One person asked me how they could help make this the best year of my life, and I don't think that's possible either ;). It will be a very important year though, and whatever happen will be for the best. God has a plan for me, who am I to question it? He obviously doesn't think this is too hard for me, otherwise I wouldn't be here.
"He will never deal unjustly with any one, neither will He task a soul beyond its power. He, verily, is the Compassionate, the All-Merciful."

on second thought...

so, after this morning's very frustrating homework session, I'm starting to wonder if I can actually do this. I mean, am I mathematically able to complete this year? I like Ithaca, I'm loving my apartment more and more every day, and I like the people, but the math just isn't happening. the first year is supposed to be terribly hard... I really hope that I make it. I wonder how much I have to be able to do and not fail.
On a happier note, I now have an electric screwdriver to put together my IKEA furniture, and I found Midnight Milky Ways at Target! Once again, Target saves the day.

Road trip

Today was a marvelous day. As I was sitting eating dinner, I couldn't stop smiling, and it just got better than that. It was wonderful. Driving about 8 hours in the rain wasn't fun, but it wasn't scary rain, just steady, with a little wind and fog thrown in for good measure and excitement. To keep me on my toes.
So this morning, myself and two other math girls left my apartment on an adventure. We listened to fabulous music, drove through NY and PA, and talked about anything and everything. We had toll roads and tunnels, hills and flat. It was a good mix of driving with not too much traffic (amazing for Labor Day weekend).
We arrived at IKEA around lunch time, and much to our delight discovered that they have a parking garage so we didn't have to get wet, since it was raining pretty steadily then in Conshohocken, PA. After lunch in the restaurant (which included home packed lunch for me), we ran and got legs for my table top so they didn't run out :), and then continued through the showrooms. I'll leave out details, as it would get very long, but we saw many things we liked, some of which we loved and wished we had a house to do such things with, and headed back downstairs to collect all of our desired items (including the most perfect table to extend my kitchen with at a very affordable price!). A few hours later, I emerged with a full cart and ready to leave the madness. If you think Wal-Mart is ever crowded, you should go to IKEA on a Saturday afternoon. Nevertheless, we then collected all of my self-service furniture with only one mishap of color, checked out and left. Then, we got to go to MOE'S!!!!!!!!!! And they said "Welcome to Moe's" and it smelled like Moe's and it was lovely. My dinner didn't taste all that good, I think the sour cream was bad, but I didn't care because it was Moe's. I had queso and a streaker Art Vandalay and sweet tea. Towards the end of the meal, I went back to ask for more chips for our queso, and she gave me an entire bagful of nice, warm fresh chips!!!!!!! So I got to bring Moe's goodness home with me! :)
Afterwards, we headed across the street to Whole Foods, which was not a planned part of the trip, to get gluten-free pizza crusts and bagels (alas no doughnuts), and then dessert: ice cream, eclairs and cheesecake for the respective girls of the group. Most of my ice cream got dumped once it became soup, but it was delicious while it lasted.
Then, as we're driving through upper PA, we see deer in a field, probably at least 5 (though I was driving and couldn't really count). I was happy about this, hadn't seen deer yet since I moved here. As we drove on the state highway towards Ithaca, just about a mile from downtown Ithaca, I slammed on the breaks to avoid hitting a doe and her two fawns!!!!!!!!! They were eating berries and leaves on the side of the road, and I got to see deer! I'm so excited about the fact that animals other than squirrells and birds live around me. It's lovely.
So, it was a wonderful day. Tomorrow will include a morning of analysis and an afternoon of assemblying furniture, and then my apartment will be so much better :). Such a lovely lovely day.
All in all, I had a fabulous day at IKEA, and wonderful things added to the mix. Definitely a good Saturday, and I thought of most of my favorite people today for different reasons. Happy Moe's dances and all sorts of great memories, special lovely songs in honor of different people, a soon to be red table. orchids, and a new duvet cover that looks very familiar :).
It's now finally September, and I get to see several people this month, and another couple people next month :-D. The apartment is becoming a home, and new memories are in the making.