"These words are from my heart, I love you I love you I love you I love you."
Hearing him talking about all the exciting things he's doing and him asking me to come and watch him make me want to get on a plane tomorrow and forget everything else. I really hate teaching him at such a young age that sometimes we can't be with the people we love. I remember when I was older than him, in elementary school, I had people leave my immediate life for the first time, and it was so hard, and I had a concept of time. He still doesn't quite understand that when I come back to visit it will be too cold for me to watch him swim. He said, "But it's not cold in our pool. It's still warm." I almost cried.
"I can only give you what I've got."
This week, I've been reminded of the power of prayer. I met with one of the Baha'i students for prayers on Monday afternoon, and I loved the rest of the day. Since I've gotten here, I've been so tired in the morning and evening, I haven't wanted to pray, or wanted it enough, so it was getting monotonous and not effective. Tonight, I picked up the prayer book, not knowing what to look for, and just picked one. And it was the perfect prayer for tonight. I will do whatever I can with what I have and I pray for God to send me what I need and what is best for me, and to help me along the way and forgive my mistakes. That's what I love about my prayer book. There are so many prayers, there usually is one for every occasion, it might not be where you think it will be, but the prayers guide you. You might start out thinking, "Oh God, please give me _________," but you end up thinking, "Oh wow, that's what I should be thinking about." Or something to that effect. Anyway, this isn't making much sense, I am tired. Every day takes everything out of me, I'm doing so much and trying so hard. It's a good feeling knowing that I've accomplished a lot at the end of the day, but sometimes it doesn't seem enough.
"Forget what we're told."
I'm being reminded that every decision is not perfect, and just because something is right for someone else, it's not necessarily right for me. It's been hard deciding which classes to take (and in which grading form), partly because Cornell gives you so long to decide, and I have so many more options now. I made a decision, and I felt good about it, until I talked to lots of different people. But I should just worry about what's right for me, and that's it.
"I've been looking so long at these pictures of you that I almost believe that they're real."
I'm debating my choice of pictures for my office desk #9. I have my girls, including Moe's and birthday night, and I have the boys' smiling faces. I love having them there, it makes everyone feel close to me, but it's also making me sad/homesick right now, that I can't just make a phone call or drive in my car for 10 minutes and be there. If it didn't feel so right to be here doing this, I'd be so tempted to pack up and go home, but for some reason I feel I should be here. I'm still wondering why, but I hope that it means something that I'm doing it, and each day maybe a little more light will be shed on my path.
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