More from Committed (the library wants the book back, giving me a deadline...):
"I never saw any woman actively marrying her own life. The women who have been most influential to me (mother, grandmothers, aunties) have all been married women in the most traditional sense, and all of them, I would have to submit, gave up a good deal of themselves in that exchange. I don't need to be told by any sociologist about something called the Marriage Benefit Imbalance; I have witnessed it firsthand since childhood.
Moreover, I don't have to look very far to explain why that imbalance exists. In my family, at least, the great lack of parity between husbands and wives has always been spawned by the disproportionate degree of self-sacrifice that women are willing to make on behalf of those they love. As the psychologist Carol Gilligan has written, 'Women's sense of integrity seems to be entwined with an ethic of care, so that to see themselves as women is to see themselves in a relationship of connection." This fierce instinct for entwinement has often caused the women in my family to make choices that are bad for them - to repeatedly give up their own health or their own time or their own best interests on behalf of what they perceive as the greater good - perhaps in order to consistently reinforce an imperative sense of specialness, of chosenness, of connection."
There were several things about this passage that struck a chord with me. First, the idea of actively marrying one's life. Before this, Gilbert was talking about what weddings/marriage gives to a woman - the feeling of being special to someone, chosen by someone, or connected to someone (echoed in the last sentence I quoted). Then, for women who don't marry or marry later, where do they find that feeling? I liked the idea of marrying ones own life, using that image. Of course, in my family, the same idea of self-sacrifice for one's family or loved ones is very common. I remember, in my childhood, the angriest/most upset I ever saw my mom with me was when she turned to me and said, "You are not the only member of this family," after I was whining/complaining after she had spent considerable energy, time, and money on me being the local production of the Nutcracker. That idea was something that had always been a part of my childhood, and continued to be - the fact that not only was I a person in the family, but that the family as a whole needed to be served and sacrificed occasionally for. It's something that my sister and I experienced differently, given the circumstances of our childhoods.
The Marriage Benefit Imbalance that Gilbert mentions essentially sums up to the fact that men benefit from getting married (married men are healthier/happier/live longer than single ones), whereas women are worse off to get married. Hence the discussion of why do women get married?
Certainly the idea of "self-sacrifice that women are willing to make on behalf of those they love," that has certainly been a huge part of my life. I am a nurturer by nature, and often the best way I find to care for other people is to sacrifice some amount of my energy, wants, etc. for them. Certainly not always does it involve a sacrifice. I think I'm learning to balance the need to take care of myself with the desire to support and nurture those I love.
Entwinement is also a cool image. I remember, when I first started my first relationship, my brother said to me that I needed to make sure I knew who I was separate from my boyfriend, who of course as a high school girl, I was crazy about in the way that especially high school girls can be crazy about something. I still remember him wanting to make sure that when I looked in the mirror I saw more than so-and-so's girlfriend. At the time, it seemed like such a strange thing to tell me - of course I would still be a person separate from my relationship. A year later, things blew up... but that is not something worth delving into at all.
I certainly have been spending time thinking about how I balance my desire to be a stay-at-home mom and be a member of a family unit - it's something I desperately want in my life, a loving group to belong in, plan life with, etc. How do I see myself as a woman without that? What do I put my priorities on, where do I get that feeling of specialness that we crave as people? Who's going to notice us? And how do I balance my desire to stay at home with my children if I have them, when so many people are telling me to do the opposite or that it's denying myself and others the benefit of me working? Or telling me that I just want that because it's been what's modeled for me? I know that it's a part of who I am, and maybe it's who I am because of the environment I grew up in, but to not do it just to make a statement is going to be going against who I am, not who I think I should be. But what do I do until then? Or if I never have kids?
Finally the "imperative sense of specialness" reminded me of times in college and grad school when I would be upset or challenged by something, feeling isolated or unique, when someone would tell me that I was not special to be dealing with xyz. It hurt even more than I could understand at the time - I wanted to be special. In fact, I would argue that most people in my generation at least are raised with the idea that they are special. But if we're all special, then what does that mean? I realize now that, by someone telling me I'm not special, instead of reassuring me that I wasn't alone, it made me feel like I shouldn't be upset or be having such difficulty with whatever. That it was no big deal and everyone has to do it.
I know that my physical pains and illnesses can make me feel isolated, and that's something I'm working on, but really who wants to be told that they're no different from anybody else? I guess it was just the phrasing I take issue with. I understand and appreciate that challenges and illnesses are just a part of living in this world, and we all deal with things. The fact that bad things happen to bad people is just not right. EVERY HUMAN DEALS WITH BAD THINGS. But that just means that we don't have to be alone in our suffering. It's part of the human condition, so we can be there to help each other out because we've had our own sufferings. They may look different on the outside, but I bet every one of us has dealt with the same feelings, reactions, thoughts, just that they arose in different circumstances. So please, don't tread on someone's specialness. Let's try to value every person's contributions to the world.
"To look always at the good and not at the bad. If a man has ten good qualities and one bad one, look at the ten and forget the one. And if a man has ten bad qualities and one good one, to look at the one and forget the ten." - Abdu'l-Baha
